Dear Jisoo,

Teak, he never showed signs of withdrawing

I mentioned that because you said he would be calling and chatting with you all the time during the week, and then practically disappear on the weekends:

He would text non stop , call multiple times, share pics whole of the week and it suddenly reduces on the weekend. One or 2 msgs , calls very rarely. So this type of hot cold treatment drove me nuts and my mental state was bad…resulting in either crying or shouting.

That’s what I meant by withdrawing – that he would withdraw his care and attention at times. But you’re right, it would be more accurate to say that he was hot and cold: sometimes very close, sometimes disappearing on you. So he sent you mixed signals.

lost my husband suddenly few years ago, right in front of my eyes.

i witnessed my life collapsing in a matter of seconds and now not really invested in any relationship completely. i am scared it may end suddenly , same thoughts w.r.t my family members too.

Losing your husband so suddenly, in front of your eyes, is a huge trauma. No wonder you are now anxious about suddenly losing those you care about. You are anxious about losing them, but at the same time are trying to be detached, to protect yourself from a potential horrible loss in the future.

Its only me who is there/not there, talk good one day/cry one day, put boundaries/remove them ..lot of such stuff.

Well, it was also him who was there and not there. As far as I understood, you were always there for him, you always sought contact, and even a deeper bond, but he was the one who was rejecting it. He did it either by physically disappearing on you, e.g. not being available on the weekends, or by rejecting a romantic relationship in spite of showing care and affection for you otherwise. He was playing you, that’s for sure.

You were probably trying to protect yourself by putting some boundaries, by trying to set some rules of behavior (e.g. you made him show you his home), perhaps by rejecting his advances sometimes. But you didn’t really succeed to stay away, because it felt so good when he would talk to you. When he was available and giving you attention, it was wonderful, it felt like home. But when he would withdraw, it felt horrible and you felt abandoned.

I wonder if you experienced this same hot-cold dynamic in your childhood, with your parents, or it’s something that only got triggered now, after your husband’s death?