Dear Anita,

I am writing to you this morning because I want to share with you something. I have been entertaining the idea to tell you, but never found the right timing to do so. Today, after the previous messages we exchanged, it feels more right than it was before.

I found this forum (as a reader) in June 2020, because I was searching for people discussing the experience of loneliness (sometimes I just google up my thoughts and see if it leads me to people who feels the same, and see how they are processing that, how other people help them process that.) I was trying to find answers that would help me in my healing journey.

I found on this forum a lot of very emotional and personal experiences from strangers, some I could relate to. I was reading some of those forum threads during June and July 2020. Among them, I was exposed to a lot of your replies to the members of this forum, it got me curious about who was Anita, this kind person who was dedicating a lot of time talking with strangers. Your answers were intriguing, very thoughtful, not something I was used to experience or witness in actual conversations between people. I kept reading, wondering what I may find in these conversations, both because it helped me and because I tend to follow my curiosity.

At some point, I wondered “what does it feel like to talk with someone like Anita?” Reading your conversations with the members here was a nice experience for me, but it looked challenging for participants (which is understandable, there was a lot of struggle there), so I wondered how the members felt during these conversations. I couldn’t imagine since I wasn’t in touch with my emotions myself.

I wondered “how would it turn out if someone like me was to talk with someone like Anita?” I excluded this possibility quickly enough. I was very curious indeed, but I couldn’t entertain this thought. Something within me said I shouldn’t. You were attending to people a lot there, and while reading those threads was very nice, I felt like something was missing. That’s when I realized “Ah, she seems similar to me… She helps others, but it isn’t mutual.” I had my fair share of helping others without having reciprocation and without expecting it, being alright with it. But not entirely alright with it happening all the time. I wondered “Is it alright with her? Doesn’t she need someone to pay attention to her, too?” At that time, I knew already I needed someone to pay attention to me sometimes… Yet I wasn’t here, intending to post on this forum, where I could have got that. Why?

I realized it was because… It wouldn’t change anything for me. If I were to speak about my difficulties, I was probably going to be told to leave my family, and I wouldn’t do it because it isn’t so easy. I am not comfortable with people wanting to help me and burdening themselves with me, when they cannot actually help (only to an extent). I really wasn’t comfortable with it. I needed help, but I didn’t want someone to take care of me. I needed attention, but I didn’t want the emotional dependency and fear that goes with it.

I knew if I were to heal, it would come from myself and not anyone’s help. I didn’t want to involve anyone and risk to hurt or disappoint them. I needed to be in charge. And honestly, I wasn’t ready for this kind of conversation, I didn’t trust myself to talk with someone like you without making a mess. I needed to be stronger, I needed to be more mature. So I would just read some threads when I felt like it, and nothing more.

Then, I got busy with other things and I stopped reading here. I only came back reading a bit in October 2020, when the context was quite tough for me. I wondered, once more, if talking with you would teach me more than what I could learn by reading others’ threads. But I refused to fall for this temptation when I was feeling bad. It was too risky. I needed to find the information and help somewhere else, and keep coping/healing on my own. If I were to discuss with someone like you, it would be as a mature healed adult, out of curiosity, when being able to pay attention to you and be on equal grounds.

Though, honestly, even then I didn’t intend to start a thread there in the future. I thought that by the time I would be ready for this, this forum would be long gone, or maybe you wouldn’t be discussing with strangers there anymore. So I was mostly imagining getting myself worthy (healthy enough) and ready for something similar. For my idea of a satisfying discussion with someone like you, the way that felt right.

Fast forward, when I started this thread in July 2021… I figured it was worth the shot to face my fears and see if posting on this forum could provide information I wasn’t able to find on my own. I wasn’t entirely healed, but it could be a step in my healing, and I felt like I could act mature enough to make sure I didn’t burden anyone during the process.

I knew you might answer my thread, but I didn’t want to expect anything. I was just trying to focus on how I could take my healing further.

While I prepared myself to be emotionally responsible and not burdening anyone, I wasn’t prepared for the revelation you had a similar mother and similar trauma. When I noticed this discussion was likely to emotionally affect you, it was “uh-oh” situation, I was worried about how it would go. If I would have had know beforehand, probably I wouldn’t have felt ready for this… but once the talk was started it was clear to me I needed to face this fear, and I would only back off from this conversation if turned out more hurtful than beneficial. I was pleasantly surprised that despite the emotional turmoil, there were signs of… something good, for both of us.

I want you to know I will be patient. Even if you feel the need to postpone your answers to me. I understand this need very well, because… I guess I postponed this thread for an entire year. It is important for me to respect the pace you need to be comfortable and ready for our discussion.

Linarra