Dear Akansha,

My impression is that saw you a little bit like a mother figure, not only because you were older but also because you arranged things for him, you were more independent and resourceful than him, you took care of him. He might have seen you as superior, perhaps idolized you too. He made you feel “beautiful, special and loved”.

But he also told you offensive things, such as that you look like a dead person, and “I am sorry that I have drained all your energy and now you have nothing left in you.” You don’t say that to the person you love, after you haven’t seen them for 8 months. It shows that on one hand he idolized you, but on the other he resented you – perhaps because he depended so much on you? Like, he needed you, but he hated that he needed you.

Then you refused to follow him when he got his dream job, even though you promised. He probably felt betrayed and perhaps took it as a sign that you don’t love him enough.

I felt really guilty when I didn’t get the job and he said No too.

I didn’t understand this: did he say No to you moving with him to his new location once you didn’t get the job you wanted?

I tried to talk to him about it so many times but he said he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter. He said he had forgiven me

I don’t think he has forgiven you, and it has shown in his reluctance to talk about marriage and your future together. Also, he reluctantly followed you to Berlin, only to leave 20 days after you’ve arrived.

It was the most devastating thing ever but he promised he will take short term opportunities and he will keep berlin his home base. I agreed but then he started keeping away from him since I was angry. I was angry that he left me alone in a place that was supposed to be home.

Here you sort of “betrayed” him again, because you agreed for him to take short-term jobs abroad, but then you felt angry at him. But I guess you were angry not because he left, but because he wouldn’t make any commitments regarding your future. You felt his hesitancy and it hurt you: For someone who constantly kept talking about wanting to have a family with me, he was very hesitant about getting engaged.

He used to come to visit me every 1.5 months for 5 days, in the house I set up for us and he would be enamoured by it saying that he loves that we have a home.

He wanted me to build a home for him.

It’s like he saw you as the strong, capable mother, who’ll build a nice home for him. He appreciated the house in Berlin, but he still resented you. I think it shows that he saw you primarily as his care-taker and provider, and not as an equal partner. He loved that he has a home base, from where he can go out into the world and explore. You were a safety net for him, not an equal partner. And he didn’t want to get married to you, I suppose, because he resented you all along for being dependent on you so much.

Then the pandemic happened:

My ex was freaking out and struggling a lot he was constantly telling me he is alone and needs me. It was getting unbearable not being able to see each other for 3 months and suddenly one day his behaviour started changing. He wasn’t the clingy person I knew who would constantly want to be smothered with love. He started enjoying his new life and of course distancing himself from me. He started getting absent and detached.

I can only assume he found another woman to mother him. He found a replacement for you, and that’s why he stopped being clingy and got absent and detached:

This time he said please let’s take a break..  his voice had no love, no spark when picking up my phone. He would talk about his female colleagues all the time.

I suppose one of his female colleagues became his new mother figure…

I freaked out. I started getting worried about losing him so I tried to reach out more and that led to him pulling away more. I even sent out presents to him which is difficult to manage in that country… I tried to talk and he yelled asked me to back off.

You turned desperate and clingy – the same as he behaved in the beginning – and now he started feeling contempt for you:

You look sexier on your two legs not walking on all fours. You are like a fucking Koala, hanging through my neck. Back off and learn to stand up for yourself. Being needy is not sexy

The same way he idolized you in the beginning, he now despised you and saw only faults in you. Now he was able to fully express his resentment, which he had never expressed fully before, because he was afraid of losing you, losing the mother figure.

What happened next is that probably none of his female colleagues were a good enough mother for him, so he started resorting back to you:

I told him how I have been meeting people and I like a few guys and I am not stuck on him. He freaked out and did not stop talking to me for 4 days. He said he is serious about this all and he wants me. It might take some time due to pandemic but he wants to be with me at every point in his life.

But it was fear that led him to say that, not true love. That’s why his commitment to you didn’t last long: But as soon as I was back from vacation talking to him, he pulled back again.

It appears that he’s found another mother figure lately, and he is very happy:

I find out he is the happiest he has ever been. He started sharing about his wonderful life, fun job and good health.

He doesn’t need you, for the time being. But don’t be surprised if he pops up again, if he hits a lot point again.

To sum up about him, I believe he is an immature, needy and selfish person, and was only using you to mother him. He never truly loved you. At first he glorified you (maybe even was flattering you), then he turned 180 degrees and started despising you and projecting things on you.

As for you, these sentences stand out:

“Learn to stand up for yourself. Being needy is not sexy”. For someone who has build her life around never taking help from anyone, these words hurt like a dagger.

I have been struggling so much to give up on thinking about him. It’s hard to accept that he doesn’t care for me or love me anymore. I never opened up to anyone like this…. I am angry with myself for still being in love with him. I feel annoyed that I still want to get information about him. It hurts to even think that he might be with someone else.

I wonder if I am attracting people like those but I am worried I will never be able to love and trust anymore. I want to be happy with myself.

It could be that you, as a strong, capable woman, are attracted to weaker men, whom you are trying to save? You perhaps see your worth in being a care-taker. Now that he used you and abandoned you, you might feel unlovable and unworthy?

Is it fair? I worked so hard, I loved so hard only to be left alone.

No, it’s not fair. Your anger and disappointment are justified. He didn’t really love you, he used you. But you can learn from this experience. You can learn to heal, so you don’t attract such men any more…

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tee.