Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to read this long story. You are right about the part that we were both clingy at times. He did tell me (when he asked me to back off) that I helped him when he was sad and depressed but he can’t do it for me. I agree with you it would have been a good idea to have a boundary and not try to convince him to be with me. I don’t know but I never knew what anxiety was before this relationship. His change in behaviour triggered the clingy response in me. I think for the last 1.5 years I did try to do everything to keep us together, which is not the right thing to do. To convince someone that I am good for you. That is why I feel angry at myself. I did not know I was on autopilot. He projected a lot of his fears on me and accused me of things that I never did. When I gave my explanation he also accepted that he is just confused. He flip-flopped a lot in the last 1.5 years and I tried to endure all that.

I  did not force him to marry me. His parents talked about having kids and he freaked out. When my parents asked him do we want to get married he freaked out. I was definitely worried about falling apart since there was no deadline on the long distance. I saw two of my friends breaking up their 9 years long relationship and that scared me a lot. So I projected that fear.

It was his idea to move to Berlin together since he wanted to start a life with me. Even before the breakup, he had messaged me that he wants to come to live with me and learn music and buy a house together etc. We were saving up for a house. That is enough commitment for me but these were just talks. It never materialised. He only loved me when I was self-dependent as I should be but as a human being, I am allowed my moments of depression. I mean I think it’s kind of useless to dig into every detail but you are right that love is not clingy. After the breakup, I got too hung up on the fact that he still messaged me and said that he wants to be with me. When he was constantly being disrespectful, always postponed the visits. He said he is proud of the progress I made as a human being and that he is not with me but he is climbing the ladder with me. he wants to meet me at the top. He left me alone since he didn’t want to be the one I rely on to get out of my depression. He wanted me to do that independently.

There are so many contradictory messages I have received that it even makes me anxious to write about it. Tbh, I didn’t even know why was I writing all this. I needed an outlet and I am quite happy to read your input. I believe this relationship was meant to teach me a big lesson on self-love. I struggle some days but I am much better since June 2020. I know about my traumas and my triggers and have better boundaries but there are days when things he said haunts me. I struggle to accept that someone who was so sensitive and vulnerable suddenly became rude and closed. I do have a role in that but I surely did not deserve the disrespect and back and forth.

Thanks 🙂

Akansha