Forum Replies Created
August 20, 2021 at 9:18 pm #385081
Thanks again. I have been travelling with my parents, therefore, the late reply. I just can’t believe how cathartic this post has been for me.
You are right, I have always been scared of sharing my deep self since I am worried people will break my trust.
Maybe he liked your old self: the cheerful, put-together, strong self, in whom he saw a mother figure. And he despised your needy and clingy self (the little girl inside of you), who came out of hiding because she thought she was safe with him. Once she came out, he’s hurt her badly. She tried to please him, to do everything to make him happy, so he would stay…
It’s like you read my mind. Although, being in a relationship means accepting all parts of the person. I accepted all parts of him. Am I wrong to think that in the right relationship the person will accept all of me? Or I will only find the right person when I am fully healed. I mean I know a lot of people I know who I think have childhood traumas but they are in happy relationships.
Every time I have talked to the therapist I have been told that people are meant to heal themselves and grow. But growth is a never-ending process. I feel confused. I have been changing, learning, growing and healing since I was 16. So when will this process end? Will it never stop? Also, does that mean that you only need people because you have unmet childhood needs, if not you will be happy alone?
I kinda know the answers I will get for these questions but it’s good to say (or write in this case) out loud.
AkanshaAugust 17, 2021 at 12:23 am #384918
I hope you are doing well. I am grateful to have you respond to me promptly.
I believe he wanted to make you feel bad for cutting contact with him (“it’s not fair to do that to people”). He would have liked you to be available whenever he pleased. But then he said: if there is a wound – meaning if you are not emotionally mature enough to keep contact with him, but are wounded – then he would respect it. He is suggesting that you are somehow deficient for not wanting to keep contact with him (and being exploited by him). He is suggesting he is more mature and advanced than you, when in fact he was being selfish and manipulative.
I always told him that he is selfish but I guess being selfish is not always bad. In this case, however, he did make me feel small. When I dug deeper into our issues and owned up to my mistakes and issues. He let me stew in it. He never took responsibility for anything. It was all my fault and you see I was so blind that I didn’t even question him. My whole point was to take ownership of my mistakes but do you think it’s possible that it was just me? I did always think he was more mature than I am. Currently, I feel I am more evolved as a person (does that make sense). I am mature too. I told him he is manipulating me when I had decided to cut contact and he had started yelling at me. I don’t know….. how can I be so wrong about a person.
Things are a lot clearer now @TeaK I have gotten validation for my intuition from your replies. You have no idea how light it had made me feel. Btw, do you believe in Karma? I ask this coz I feel like this is my karma. When I was in my early 20s I had a relationship where my feelings had changed and I wasn’t able to explain it to that guy. He used to be emotionally unavailable. I used to feel lonely in that relationship. He was the one who broke it up since I had started a new job and was keeping busy. I never fought for the relationship (which he thought I would) but he did come back to reconcile and tried for 2 years but I just could not go back. Maybe I am suffering for that suffering I might have caused him. He is a good friend now and I have talked to him about it. He says he didn’t know why did he act the way he did but I was clearly not honest in telling him my feelings have changed when he was trying to reconcile. I just told him the reasons it cant work. In general, he struggled to talk about his emotions, I was dragging the relationship on my own. He didn’t care much but when he wanted to reconcile I could have told him I did not want a relationship anymore rather than telling him why did he act carelessly when we were together. Am I making any sense?August 17, 2021 at 12:06 am #384916
Dear @anita ,
I have been meaning to write more about myself but I was taking time. I have been working on my inner child healing with a therapist and some online resources for the past 1.5 years. Actually, immediately after the breakup and I made a lot of breakthroughs. You hit the nail on the head, that I wanted to be acknowledged, valued and appreciated by my parents.
My sister is 2.6 years younger than me and my memories of my childhood are all with her. She was loved by everyone. I always felt neglected and that explains why when I was younger I wanted everyone to like me. I used to bend my back to be nice to everyone. It was pathetic. My “friends” knew my weakness and it really made me feel lonely. I confessed to my parents last year that I felt lonely as a child. Always competing with my sister. I was so jealous of her. I even wanted a different family. She was smart, intelligent and comely. I was smart, intelligent and comely too but she would outshine me. I would be 1st in my class, she would be first in the whole school. I’ll get 93 she’d get a 100. And to be honest she was talented but it was the typical South-Asian competitive environment. I do think it did teach a lot of good things but equally shook my core. I have had many chats with my younger sister (she is lovely btw) about how I have felt. She used to even calm me when I was young but I just wanted to be loved as much as she was. I was the only child who was the troublemaker but I have realised the reason I did those was probably to get attention.
That explains why I needed to be liked and validated by people. I did not have any real friends till I went for my Bachelor’s study. People have childhood friends and they have school friends, I have none. I wanted to run away from my school, my house and that town. I have had incidents of betrayal with my friends too (maybe a topic for another post) but once I stepped out of the house at 16 I felt free. I believe I have had a very interesting life. My path has been full of craziness but it also led to me becoming conscious of who I let in my inner world. I am very selective with calling people friends. I do not care if someone outside of my inner circle says anything about me. Honestly, this was something my friends and exes used to be very attracted to. I have learned so much but the path hasn’t been easy. Like I don’t think I had a great childhood. It was okay. When my ex told me that “you are the important thing” I actually felt bad. I was like so I am important and a spiritual person since I try to understand why people do what they do. I didn’t want to give power to that thought since then I would have been chuffed. In fact, after that I went and hung out with people, tried to mingle and in fact, I met a few nice people. When I told you about that freak out he had when I was in the Maldives it was because he learned that I was mingling with people and liked someone. I am a good company and people enjoy being with me. He knows that and he used to be scared of me being wooed by someone since we were in long distance. I am so silly that I stopped going out and meeting people because he used to question a lot and then feel bad saying “oh I guess everyone loves you and I feel sad that I cant be with you etc”. I thought it was love..hahaha
You know the day I decided that I am going to cut contact with him was the day he sent me an excerpt from an article saying this made me think of you. The excerpt was “My wager is that you can profitably read Machiavelli if you understand him to distinguish between “high trust and low trust environments”. When a good person is surrounded by evil ones, they have entered a low trust environment, and they will come to ruin if they act as if those surrounding were well-intentioned chaps.” I was like wow! I have worked so hard for the past 14 years to not be the victim of this but maybe have fallen into the trap. I honestly am tired of people telling me I am a good person. I don’t want to be a “good person” anymore, whatever that means. It’s like you will be eaten alive since you are a good person. That is when I decided I don’t want to talk to him.
I have found all these connections between my childhood, how I act and react, how I fall in love, what I look for in a partner and it’s ridiculous. I wonder why aren’t we taught these things when we are young? Why aren’t the parents taught this when they have kids? I have been writing about my childhood wounds for the last year but I feel like I am exhausted. I feel stupid to think about it now but I even shared it with my ex after we broke up and explained the reason why I was the way I was. And he just used it to quote the reasons he didn’t like me then. I know you would be vexed by the thought that I bring him up every time but I never trusted someone as much as I trusted him ever in my life. It made me question my own judgements and my outlook towards people. Am I always so blind? I have been told I am not good at judging people. Anyhoo, my point is there is never one reason for how a person is. My personality is a combination of so many things.
I realised why I used to choose guys who were reserved. It was my comfort zone. My dad used to be strict when I was young. He was not very open with sharing love and that is the reason I tend to choose guys who are quiet and keep to themselves. Just a not that my ex was nothing like him. He did use to snap (not at me) but in a reasonable fashion. My dad changed a lot since I moved out. It was like he grew up with me. I have a wonderful relationship with my dad now. He is my superstar. I wish he was like this when I was young but he didn’t know any better. He came from a family which is stingy with loving. His dad was always critical and was never supportive. That was the parenting my dad saw and that’s what he emulated. He still has residue of that in him but he also listens to my criticism. My mother, on the other hand, I feel like my relationship has deteriorated badly. I don’t think she likes me and neither do I like her a lot but we love each other. I never had female friends when I was young. In fact till 2020 I had like 3 female friends. Many acquaintances but only three close female friends. I am still exploring my relationship with my mother. I have reached to some quick conclusions but I do want to take some time to think about it.
I hope I was able to write a bit about the girl.
Waiting to hear from you,
AkanshaAugust 16, 2021 at 7:54 am #384855
You are right I asked him that I do not want to be in touch with him and it has been three months now. I did not doubt my decision but I did think he might reach out but he never did. Even when I told him I want to stop communication he told me about how one of his exes also stopped communication with him. I felt annoyed as to why is that important at this time. Plus that story was over a long time ago. They were friends after that and hanging out every time he’d go back home. I met her too. Why was she cutting contact now? He was like I think it’s not fair to do that to people but if there is a wound he would be respectful about it. Anyway, it was not my business anymore. I told him I am sorry you feel sad but I need to focus on myself. I think you have moved on and I need to do that too.
The only reason I started this thread was that I started checking his FB(he never posts anything) but I wanted to get some information about him since he said he is happy. I felt sad about this behaviour of mine and thought it might be better if I sought some help. You and @anita have been quite helpful and kind.
I would come back on in case I struggle again.
I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself too. Hugs!
Thanks a ton,
AkanshaAugust 16, 2021 at 2:36 am #384848
Thank you for sharing. I read your post and felt like “Oops that sounds like my story”. Just wanted to let you know that your conversation with @anita is helping me understand about myself. Thanks to both of you ❤️ Hugs and strength to you lovely ladies!
AkanshaAugust 15, 2021 at 8:26 pm #384836
Thank you again for digging deeper with me. I hope you believe me when I say that it has really helped me. I definitely never saw that I was being the mother figure since taking care of people has been my thing. When I was younger, I used to forget to take care of myself, I wanted to be liked by everyone. It was a horrible time but I am much better at choosing myself now.
My ex was quite level headed, I mean I was always stunned by how mature he was but tbh I was comparing his maturity to my maturity at my age. That is a skewed vision altogether. I was impressed by the fact that even after being 6 years younger than me he was so reflective and sensitive, come to look at it now I think it was because of his traumas. He was always a melancholic person who thought too much about things and was sensitive to everyone’s emotions. He would get anxious with sounds or music. He would brood too much about what someone said. I was able to help him with those (I thought I did). He was very happy one time I told him how to talk to his boss so that she listens to him. It worked so well that he became her fav intern 😀 Therefore, he used to be very thankful for my outlook on life. I was always cheerful and excited. Meanwhile, he was a Debbie Downer (I did not have a problem with that) he was different from me and I appreciated that. He was practical, I was kind. He could make good decisions about spending money, I was good with planning trips, household chores etc. For me, it felt like we complement each other and are a strong team.
But as you said I think he did grow in this relationship and maybe he didn’t need my support anymore. So clearly, it was not ‘love’ but a need. No wonder he was so confused and could never decide what our future should be. He called once after our breakup after a dinner with his family that he misses having me on the table and that he would love to have a family with me. But then after a week, he will tell me how he wants to have sex with other women and if I feel the same way with other men. I guess he was feeling guilty that his feelings have changed since he didn’t need me and he was unable to understand for himself. He did not want to lose me after the breakup knowing that I was such an important part of his life (his words) but he also didn’t like me anymore as he did when he needed me. He would reach out when he was anxious, or sad or was stuck in a dilemma and since I was seeking connection I will give everything from my cup.
Answering your question regarding the points below:
Also, it’s peculiar that he would ask your permission to have phone sex with another woman, 5 months after your breakup. But then again, if he saw you as his mother, perhaps he felt the need to confide in you and ask for your opinion (like, do you think it’s okay to have phone sex with this girl whom I just met on facebook?)
He is a very physical person. Since we hadn’t seen each other since Jan 2020 he was clearly horny so he was seeking the physical connection. He was also hanging out with people who were sleeping around with random women and he was clearly influenced. He tends to get influenced by his group. As I understood, the only reason he was asking for permission from me is coz he wanted me to tell him if I was seeing someone else. It was like he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He did accept this. He also confessed it would drive him mad to think that I might start seeing someone else but he also kept forcing me to not wait for him. He was hanging out with girls, dancing, went on a date, flirted and would tell me all about it. He would then ask me if I have these encounters and I was like No. It was a pandemic I was stuck at home I wasn’t seeing anyone. I was also traumatised so there was no way I was thinking about anyone else. And then again he would ask me why is he confused.
Btw every time he talked about having sex with other women, or if he would complain about how little sex we had during Christmas, we’d end up having phone sex ourselves. I honestly have no clue how did I agree to that. My only explanation is that since I was like a parched dog in a desert seeking a source to fulfil my need. Any connection made me feel like I am getting closer to him. One time he even rejected me after asking me to come on skype for a session. When I complained he was like please deal with your anxieties it’s not my responsibility to help you with that. He is right but this is from a person who would not stop calling messaging me every time he had any anxious feeling 🙂 I don’t want to establish that he is a bad person. He is not but yes I did not see the red flags.
He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life.
It sounds like flattery – perhaps he was feeling a little down, perhaps something was bothering him at the moment, and he quickly called you to make him feel better, like he would call his mother? But since he knew he offended you quite a bit earlier, he needed to soften you with some sweet talk… Do you think this might have been his motivation?
No, this talk was right after he asked me if I give him permission to have phone sex with this girl on Facebook. We were having a normal conversation when that topic of “him giving me the right” to tell him if he should have phone sex with this girl from Facebook or not. Apparently, they were flirting for some time. I was so shocked that I said I don’t think I can talk about this and that’s when he said how I am the only person he knows who is spiritually as close to Jesus. (Btw I do not follow any religion. He believes in Jesus but is not religious(whatever that means)). And then again when I said I am not going to tell you if you should have sex or not. I made him understand how hurtful it is for him to ask me for this but his response to that was so will you do that? He said this girl is just someone he is having sex with he doesn’t care about her. But the things he wants to do might be considered disrespectful for me. He was a weird relationship with sex. He used to be scared of sex. He had been cheated on several times. He was so scared that I would cheat on him too. And that’s how I was never bothered by his jealousy. I knew the source and I tackled it well. According to him, he only ever enjoyed sex with me and I know he was genuine when he said that. But then there were complaints about how we didn’t have enough sex since someone questioned him that it’s not enough sex in an LDR (for reference we would meet after every 1 month for 5 days and none of us had the energy to be at it all the time)
I feel so weird since it might look like he is a crazy person. He isn’t. He is just a human being who has a lot of pain bodies and traumas and doesn’t know how to deal with them. I do not want this post to be about him being a horrible human being but about me being blind at that time and not taking my self-respect into account. I would not do a disservice to my old self since I just did what I felt was right at that time. I know better now!
AkanshaAugust 15, 2021 at 8:43 am #384786
Dear @anita ,
You are absolutely right. I think one of my biggest lessons from this is that consistency is my love language. People are allowed to grow and feel different but there are ways to navigate through that. Thank you once again for this wonderful community. I have been trying to write on this forum for the past 1 year but I wasn’t even clear in my head about the different aspects of this relationship. You are a blessing to many people like me.
Have a great week.
AkanshaAugust 15, 2021 at 8:35 am #384783
Thank you for your detailed input. I highly appreciate that.
Actually, I think he did find me like his mother but he has a lot of trauma attached to her. She had a brain injury when he was 13 and since then she is totally dependent on his father. She struggles with short term memory and gets annoyed when people don’t entertain her. His family struggles a lot because of that and all the kids are truly traumatised. So that explains his annoyance when I was weak and needy, maybe it triggered him.
He did tell me last year Nov (5 months after the breakup) that he thinks there is no one as kind, forgiving and wonderful as me. He said he thinks I am close to Jesus as a spiritual being and I am the most important person in his life. To be fair, he also had just asked me if I would allow him to have phone sex with a girl he met on Facebook. It was quite confusing. I felt like I am being tested. I said I have no right to say yes or no coz we aren’t together but he did not let go till I replied to him. I know he would not have been able to be calm if I was seeing someone (he accepted that) but he was quite jealous since the beginning. So I didn’t question that behaviour.
I will go through the questions you asked now.
“I felt really guilty when I didn’t get the job and he said No too.”
I didn’t understand this: did he say No to you moving with him to his new location once you didn’t get the job you wanted?
He said he did not mind me saying no to moving with him since I was caught in the moment. I was about to get a job I was dreaming of for a long time. He did feel unimportant but he would ask me to shut up every time I will apologise. That is the reason I told him to accept the job in the Middle East coz I was guilty of doing that to him.
“I tried to talk to him about it so many times but he said he doesn’t care and it doesn’t matter. He said he had forgiven me”
I don’t think he has forgiven you, and it has shown in his reluctance to talk about marriage and your future together. Also, he reluctantly followed you to Berlin, only to leave 20 days after you’ve arrived.
Berlin was his plan. When he was about to come to visit me in my home country he made me write on a sheet that we will move to Berlin and we will have a wonderful life and pay my gratitude for that. But you are right, maybe he was reluctant and angry with me. I asked him so many times. I even asked him if we should see a couple’s therapist so that he could talk but he refused it. I was worried he might resent me but he didn’t want to talk about it.
“It was the most devastating thing ever but he promised he will take short term opportunities and he will keep berlin his home base. I agreed but then he started keeping away from him since I was angry. I was angry that he left me alone in a place that was supposed to be home.”
Here you sort of “betrayed” him again, because you agreed for him to take short-term jobs abroad, but then you felt angry at him. But I guess you were angry not because he left, but because he wouldn’t make any commitments regarding your future. You felt his hesitancy and it hurt you: ‘For someone who constantly kept talking about wanting to have a family with me, he was very hesitant about getting engaged.’
I am sorry I made a mistake. He started ignoring me since he thought I would spoil his joy and that made me angry. I was mostly annoyed that he did not want to discuss our future. He wouldn’t even talk about how long did he want to work abroad. I would have appreciated it if he said I am going to be there for 2 years but he never had an answer. He would say is this not enough that I say I am committed. Tbh it is but then he made promises for starting a farm in Italy or work on a farm. Now I guess I was supposed to do it alone and he would come there for vacations. That was not what I signed up for. So yes it hurt me. You are spot on.
“He used to come to visit me every 1.5 months for 5 days, in the house I set up for us and he would be enamoured by it saying that he loves that we have a home.
He wanted me to build a home for him.”
It’s like he saw you as the strong, capable mother, who’ll build a nice home for him. He appreciated the house in Berlin, but he still resented you. I think it shows that he saw you primarily as his care-taker and provider, and not as an equal partner. He loved that he has a home base, from where he can go out into the world and explore. You were a safety net for him, not an equal partner. And he didn’t want to get married to you, I suppose, because he resented you all along for being dependent on you so much.
I don’t know if he resented me for being so dependent on me. He resented me when I would not like to do things his way. He always wanted to do everything together. He wanted me to be part of everything he did. Go to places he goes to, listen to songs he listens to, watch what he is watching. I explained to him a lot that it’s not bad that I do not enjoy doing everything with him but he was very stubborn about that. So I am still unsure about why did he resent me but you could be right. When he started pulling away his first statement was ” I don’t need you” to my statement I love you, need you and want you. I didn’t mean the word ‘need’ the same way he did but I was shocked at his response. Two weeks before this happened he was writing to me about how he is very lonely and wants to talk to me, while I was busy with my sister’s wedding.
You are on point with the rest of the points. It brought a smile to my face. I guess it is the truth, I didn’t want to accept that he was expressing everything he resented me for. I am normally attracted to guys who are reserved. My ex was not that, he was different. He approached me when normally I am the one who would approach the guy. He was so sensitive and vulnerable it was refreshing. He would also tell me I am quite beautiful. In my past dating history, the guys would tell me I have a charming personality but they only fell in love with me once I started talking :). I do tend to put them on a pedestal and take the caretaker role. This one is a lesson too. I have only learned more about me after every relationship but I am also exhausted now. I mean will this self-improvement through relationship project ever stop. Anyway, I know it’s silly to say so. We keep growing and evolving as human beings but I tend to always look for my forever person and fail miserably. I need to let go of this idea and start to get out of this scarcity mentality.
Only recently, I came to the conclusion that my ex did not love me. The breakup made me feel rejected. There was also a lot of gaslighting and that makes you question your existence when you are vulnerable. I feel I have better boundaries now and I would be able to make better choices.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post. You made my day with this honest breakdown.
AkanshaAugust 15, 2021 at 7:34 am #384780
Thank you for taking the time to read this long story. You are right about the part that we were both clingy at times. He did tell me (when he asked me to back off) that I helped him when he was sad and depressed but he can’t do it for me. I agree with you it would have been a good idea to have a boundary and not try to convince him to be with me. I don’t know but I never knew what anxiety was before this relationship. His change in behaviour triggered the clingy response in me. I think for the last 1.5 years I did try to do everything to keep us together, which is not the right thing to do. To convince someone that I am good for you. That is why I feel angry at myself. I did not know I was on autopilot. He projected a lot of his fears on me and accused me of things that I never did. When I gave my explanation he also accepted that he is just confused. He flip-flopped a lot in the last 1.5 years and I tried to endure all that.
I did not force him to marry me. His parents talked about having kids and he freaked out. When my parents asked him do we want to get married he freaked out. I was definitely worried about falling apart since there was no deadline on the long distance. I saw two of my friends breaking up their 9 years long relationship and that scared me a lot. So I projected that fear.
It was his idea to move to Berlin together since he wanted to start a life with me. Even before the breakup, he had messaged me that he wants to come to live with me and learn music and buy a house together etc. We were saving up for a house. That is enough commitment for me but these were just talks. It never materialised. He only loved me when I was self-dependent as I should be but as a human being, I am allowed my moments of depression. I mean I think it’s kind of useless to dig into every detail but you are right that love is not clingy. After the breakup, I got too hung up on the fact that he still messaged me and said that he wants to be with me. When he was constantly being disrespectful, always postponed the visits. He said he is proud of the progress I made as a human being and that he is not with me but he is climbing the ladder with me. he wants to meet me at the top. He left me alone since he didn’t want to be the one I rely on to get out of my depression. He wanted me to do that independently.
There are so many contradictory messages I have received that it even makes me anxious to write about it. Tbh, I didn’t even know why was I writing all this. I needed an outlet and I am quite happy to read your input. I believe this relationship was meant to teach me a big lesson on self-love. I struggle some days but I am much better since June 2020. I know about my traumas and my triggers and have better boundaries but there are days when things he said haunts me. I struggle to accept that someone who was so sensitive and vulnerable suddenly became rude and closed. I do have a role in that but I surely did not deserve the disrespect and back and forth.
AkanshaAugust 14, 2021 at 9:01 pm #384763
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it. I await your comments. I was quite sad since he left Berlin and was constantly asking him about what is our future. The more I asked the more he would not respond. I agree it was getting hard for him but then his choice of words crushed me. I never felt so humiliated in my life. It was also hard to digest coz he values words and is very sensitive about what people say. If he was feeling pressured he should have talked to me about it.