Dear Akansha,

you are very welcome, I am glad this conversation and digging deeper is helping you.

I definitely never saw that I was being the mother figure since taking care of people has been my thing. When I was younger, I used to forget to take care of myself, I wanted to be liked by everyone.

It’s good you see the tendency now, and if you wish, we can talk about it more… since probably the core of this care-taking reflex stems from your childhood.

He did not want to lose me after the breakup knowing that I was such an important part of his life (his words) but he also didn’t like me anymore as he did when he needed me. He would reach out when he was anxious, or sad or was stuck in a dilemma and since I was seeking connection I will give everything from my cup.

What you wrote here is a pretty good summary of his relationship to you: You were indeed an important part of his growing up (which I guess included becoming more independent, assertive and less of a Debbie Downer), but after a certain point he didn’t need you any more. Actually, he needed you still when he was anxious or had issues – like he would need a mother figure to console him and advise him – but he didn’t feel attracted to you to be his romantic partner. You on the other hand craved connection and didn’t want to reject him when he would approach you. You were always there for him, and he was using you when in need (even for phone sex, to relieve his urge).

He called once after our breakup after a dinner with his family that he misses having me on the table and that he would love to have a family with me. But then after a week, he will tell me how he wants to have sex with other women

It could be that his family liked you and missed you at the dinner table, and so he took it on for a brief while. But he quickly lost the sentiment and started going into the opposite direction…

One time he even rejected me after asking me to come on skype for a session. When I complained he was like please deal with your anxieties it’s not my responsibility to help you with that. He is right but this is from a person who would not stop calling messaging me every time he had any anxious feeling

Yes, there was no reciprocity there: he used you for whatever he needed, but he refused to give you anything beyond what suits him. He was a taker, you were a giver.

I feel so weird since it might look like he is a crazy person. He isn’t. He is just a human being who has a lot of pain bodies and traumas and doesn’t know how to deal with them. I do not want this post to be about him being a horrible human being but about me being blind at that time and not taking my self-respect into account.

He doesn’t seem crazy but self-centered and emotionally immature, which can be the result of his trauma. But still, it’s no reason to excuse his behavior, because what he is doing is basically exploiting you: he is using you for phone sex, he is telling you about wanting to have sex with other women, he is inquiring about your own sex life, saying he would be upset if you found another guy. All that after you’ve broken up long ago. On top of it all, he is telling you you are like Jesus because you are so kind to him and in fact, tolerating his abuse. Because that’s emotional abuse, or at least harassment, what he is doing. I don’t know if you’re still communicating with him and responding to him, but if you are, you’d need to stop, because it’s not good for your emotional  health.

At the same time, you can work on your own issues and your susceptibility to such manipulation. So you don’t need to blame him, but still you’d need to put a stop on it – if he is still using you in this way.