Dear Anita,

“I am looking forward to understand my individual experience better because of our communication, and I want nothing less for you: that you will understand your individual experience better because of our communication.”

I’m looking forward to it too, even if it means going through uncomfortable parts.

” isn’t the home you live in clean enough, dishes and laundry washed, bills paid, etc.? And if so.. are these chores done by all parties through equal cooperation (?)”

Hm, yes and no. The bare minimum is achieved with difficulty. And not exactly equal cooperation either.

Mostly, it is me and my mother doing the things. She does the things requiring getting out (groceries) or administrative things (bills), she does the laundry for herself and my siblings but I do my own. I do the cooking and dishes. Sometimes I help my mother with her chores, sometimes she helps with mine. My siblings can help/participate sometimes, but it is in no way a regular thing.

For the cleaning, I try to do bits of it sometimes, very randomly and rarely because I didn’t manage to make a routine for that yet. The house is… very messy. Too messy for the amount of energy and motivation I have.

My mother accumulated a lot of things, I don’t know what to do with those, they are getting in the way of proper management… Sometimes I will try to do some tidying and cleaning a bit. If I’m not doing it, nobody is doing it. Half of the space we own is used as chaotic storage. Nobody makes a decision about those rooms. We ignore it and live in the parts that are livable (but still somewhat messy).

Even if I tried to improve the messiness bits by bits, I started giving up after my mother brought a looot of stuffs from her deceased mother’s apartment last year (her mother had syllogomania, so there was a lot, even if she didn’t bring everything.) I dealt with a lot of that messiness for over 6 months last year. Mostly alone (my mother would do a tiny bit before giving up and go back to her depressive/histrionic mourning). At that time my brother wasn’t home, and my sister was but wouldn’t help. My mental breakdowns had mental breakdowns, quietly of course, as I was trying to do all the chores and tidying after my mother’s mess alone.

Once it became a reasonable enough amount of untidiness… I gave up. Absolutely nobody cared if I did the rest of not. If they showed any care, it wasn’t through support or participation. There was not much empathy or care from my family for the part I did in order to keep the household livable even before anyway (except from my brother who used to participate a bit more than my sister, but he was gone at that point). I wanted to do it for myself so I could have a livable environment, but at that point, even for myself, I couldn’t bear the amount of work alone.

Fast forward, except for the cleaning/tidiness, my mother was able to resume her participation in the chores after her mourning which leads us to the previously mentioned cooperation between me and my mother.

“in her mind, are all her children-guards equal in abusing her, one more than another (?)”

In her mind, my sister is the worst because she participates less in chores within household and is often uncooperative. She takes without giving back, and without a thank you. So my mother dislikes her and abuses her the most as a payback.  Then for my brother and I, it would be because we sometimes snap at her when she’s overwhelming us with her histrionic show and makes our life difficult, but we’re getting better at staying calm. She also considers us abusive/controlling when we try to make her behave more reasonably when she’s doing something that makes herself or anyone in the household in danger.

 “in the collaboration and smartness dealing with her, each one of the siblings has his/ her own job/ expertise (?)”

Mostly, we shared our expertise with each other at this point. It is more about helping each other to stay calm, when one of us is directly aimed and hurt, the others will protect them, but also we are giving each other regular reminders of how to behave to avoid triggering or fueling my mother. We’re discussing the dangers she’s creating too and try to figure out solutions sometimes.

“what is your functionality in the household (there has to be one, could it be.. advising your siblings perhaps, being the one with the cool head/ calm presence when your mother misbehaves)?”

I guess the things I wrote above answer that, if you need more clarification you can ask.

” you were betrayed by your mother, way more than you were betrayed by any other person, true?”

Yes, I think it’s true.

“How many people on the outside betrayed you?”

Hum, I am unsure… First, I didn’t get close or really trust people outside so there wasn’t many occasions to be betrayed. I was bullied and rejected, sure. But I guess you cannot speak of betrayal when the trust wasn’t there to begin with.

The most obvious feeling of betrayal was this irl male friend who took advantage of my need to see someone outside of my house as a challenge (my other irl friends weren’t available anyone, living in cities far away) so he could push through my boundaries, hoping to get a relationship with me as I had previously established I didn’t want that and wasn’t comfortable with the physical closeness.

Other than that… it’s more complicated because I mostly witnessed awful human behaviors all around. A lot of people taking advantage or trying to hurt others.

Before we cut ties with my extended family, there was a lot of… traumatizing things happening with them. Dangerous things. I don’t know how I processed them because there were both family and outsiders. There were also outsiders in connection to them that attacked. Or outsiders who disliked my mother very much that were scary, because my mother mingled with iffy people at times…

I think mostly I am traumatized by all the things I witnessed happening to my mother. She was a danger to herself and to us, and I am unsure if I can protect myself better than she was able to protect herself. Especially with the lack of support and my dysfunctionalities, it could make me vulnerable.

“why that hope, why would it be easier to leave if she dies first???”

I don’t know. I guess I am afraid of what would happen if I were to leave her alone. Afraid of the blame I would bear for what would happen to her. She got me trapped in being the caretaker of her, partly. My life debt wasn’t about money. Behind her words and behavior, it was always implied “I took care of you when you were a child, I protected you, now you have to do it for me too”. Proof of that in one of our recent talk, I said “I am not responsible for your mental health, you should follow a therapy, learn how to take care of yourself, learn how to be responsible” and she was very offended that I refuse to take care of her.

“Like I said, in my experience this is a more difficult phase in understanding (this is why I am asking all these questions), one that requires patience.. it is not fun, nor is it a phase soaked with affection and empathy (there is something very unclear to me and I can’t pinpoint right now what it is!) but it’s just a phase. If you are willing, we can go through it together and get to a better place.”

I understand, and I am willing. Thank you for your patience.

Linarra