Dear Linarra:

“I’m looking forward to it too, even if it means going through uncomfortable parts“- reading this made me feel good, brought a part-smile to my face following waking up too early again (3 am).

In this post I will be re-reading your previous posts from the first on July 13, quote (following an *) and take notes (my current understanding, given newer information, an understanding that is open to be changed or developed further). I imagine that it will be another long post (but we are both patient, aren’t we..):

* “I am not able to get a job (and honestly don’t even want to if it isn’t meaningful because I’m unable to gather energy to fight anxiety and depression for things I don’t find meaning in). I struggle when I have to go out of my home for about anything. For very long, I’ve been just barely going out and don’t feel comfortable outside my home”-

– your sense of meaning is inside the house because that’s where your mother is and it is where your siblings are. Your job is to take care of her and to keep her, your siblings and yourself safe from.. her. You are not motivated to go outside your home and get a job because you already have a job and it requires you to stay inside your home.

* “I want to believe it’s possible to reach some kind of peace and gain some kind of strength eventually”-

– you are trying to reach some kind of peace every day as you stay inside the house, making sure there is peace, and that no one gets physically hurt. Your sense of strength is being practiced every day inside your house as you keep everyone safe.

* “I had difficulty processing how people could be so destructive to themselves and others, especially their family”- your job is to protect your family from destruction by being present in the house at all times, ready to respond to any sign of destruction.

* “I love writing and drawing, it makes me happy, stimulated, and my love for it always gave my life meaning when nothing else could”- your job is to protect your family. During downtimes (like in any job when nothing is going on for a while) you get to write and draw, and you enjoy it very much!

* “she was out for war and drama. Spared no one, so we had to be careful not to fuel her. Which was difficult because she could start over the most little things”- your job is like a firefighter: watch for smoke, locate fire dangers, put out fires at their beginning.

* “(I) do not let her know about (my) existence”- you put out any fire inside of you too, so that any glowing ember on your part doesn’t grow into a fire.. if it reaches her. Emotions (Energy-in motion) are deadened, so that there is no motion that will reach her and starts a fire.

* (to me:) “I also intend to respect you and your boundaries, so I believe if any discomfort comes into this talk we’ll be able to discuss it in a well-intentioned and respectful way”- always in your posts, you are tactful, polite, accommodating, respectful, pleasant, even-tempered/ calm sounding, no Ups-and-Downs but Flat, logical, balanced (ex. “My inner child had her wounds, but she has also her strengths): altogether a perfect Non-Starter of Fires.

* “From quite early in my youth, I valued analyses..  and craved an understanding of people and complex situations. I was trying very hard at that because I saw my family falling apart before my eyes”-

– you developed yourself in any which way that will prevent fires or put them out when they start, including developing your intellectual analysis skills. I am thinking of you at this point, Linarra, as the Perfect Adaptation of a Daughter to a Histrionic Mother.

* “From my observation of her, being emotional brought bad consequences, so as I grew up shutting my emotions down. Now I see this ‘solution’ have its own kind of bad consequences”-

– being emotional brought about bad consequences= Fire, so you grew up shutting down your emotions, so that they don’t start her fire. A perfect adaptation of a daughter to a histrionic mother. As a daughter to a histrionic mother I am impressed by your overall adaptation, it is so superior to my adaptation. I am literally thinking in my mind right now: WOW!

I am going to skip a lot from here on: * “My mother told me she would die and I would have to replace her, to be my siblings’ caretaker in her stead”- you are the firefighter care taker of your household, a job that requires your presence there at all times.

* “Usually, I would have comforted myself with fictional characters, they make me less lonely during those times”- like a firefighter during down time, watching TV, something pleasant to pass the time in-between fires.

* I had been nothing most of my life, I was just a thing adapting to chaos, a thing that had somehow learnt to not want anything, to not need, to not expect anything for my future, to not be a person… an empty shell”- adapting to chaos, the perfect adaptor. So perfect that she is almost a thing, an empty shell.

* “I wanted to add, this sentence yesterday “I hope you sleep well-enough tonight, precious Linarra.” made me feel really warm”- the perfect adaptor is almost a thing but not quite. She still feels, “really warm”. (Around your mother “really warm” can easily start a fire).

* “I am anxious about having maybe upset you or made you uncomfortable”- afraid you started a fire in me.

* “The negative feelings would have been too overwhelming, and feeling them I would feel too like her, and they would have never reached an end”- you didn’t want to be like her, to over-react, so you under-react and shut down, forming a physical habit of doing so.

* “With my siblings, we try to avoid having new animals in this household because it would be bad for them”-

– your household is bad not only for new animals but also for the two young women and one young man who are currently living there. When a house is a fire hazard, and a fire can erupt at any time, the solution is not to stay there 24/7 preventing fires and putting them out as quickly and as efficiently as possible. The solution is to safely exit the house and safely demolish it.

* “my mother had lost her authority at some point”- no, she did not lose her authority. She is very much in authority. (I was confused recently in regard to who’s in authority, but not anymore).

* “We are scared of her like any inmate would be scared of a scary unpredictable harmful inmate, and there’s no real authority to stop her. Just collaboration and smartness to deal with her”- you are all scared of her because she is the authority, the “scary unpredictable harmful inmate” is Authority.

* “what I cannot do because of my dysfunctionality (go out for groceries, phone calls, making decisions… basically anything I struggle with because I am paralyzed with fear/anxiety”- the fear is more about not being inside the house to watch over the “scary unpredictable harmful inmate” than it is about being outside the house.

And now, to your most recent post: you and your siblings help each other to stay calm, protecting each other from her attacks and remind each other “how to behave to avoid triggering or fueling my mother. We’re discussing the dangers she’s creating too and try to figure out solutions sometimes”- it’s a group effort then, to prevent and manage fires.

* “I am afraid of what would happen if I were to leave her alone. Afraid of the blame I would bear for what would happen to her. She got me trapped”- this is your Job: to stay in the household and protect your mother, your siblings and yourself from your mother’s fire.

You are trapped in this job. Did you ever think of it as your job, with a capital J?

anita