Dear Anita,

It is 10:08 am right now for me, and 10:09 am for you, so I hope you’re sleeping well tonight! I just came back from my vaccination, it went well. Thankfully not as stressful as I would have thought, just a regular amount of stress. Though, enough stress to not be able to meditate on you as much as I would have wanted on the road. Or maybe my mother on the driver’s sit was too distracting.

I was able to think a bit when I was waiting at the vaccination center, though. I think the lack of support outside my home and the lack of confidence in my ability to reach functionality and full autonomy are the main factors preventing me from wanting to leave. Probably, the mission/sense of accomplishment in find home can be easily replaced by another meaning or accomplishment. After all, I know my skills can probably find use somewhere else even if other possibilities aren’t defined yet. But the support in case I find myself in trouble when I am gone… It is not easy to find, not easy to trust…

I once told a friend I couldn’t rely on my friendships the way I rely on my family, because I can’t trust my friends to help me that way. I have been taught family were the only people I could count on because there’s an obligation somehow. My mother’s help doesn’t come from love, it comes from her the sense of pride she takes from being a mother/caretaker, and the sense of obligation she has. And well, because my mother would help me and be there for me if I need it, she expects me to allow and forgive the abuse, and help her too. Ah, and not abuse her back… this part of the trade is unfair, because she can hurt me because she helps me, but I wouldn’t be allowed to hurt her (if I wanted to, I don’t unless it’s a self-defense impulsion) even if I helped her.

Anyway, I’ve been taught that support is… transaction, somehow. I can give without expecting anything in return, but I cannot expect to be given something without the other person requiring to take something from me. Because a lot of people have expectations. That’s where it gets dangerous. In the best scenario the other person would want something I can and am willing to give, in the worst scenario… well that would be quite uncomfortable. And I might be able to cope with my mother’s way of trading, but I am more worried about outsiders because what happens is less clear.

“you are disgusted by your love for her, but your love for her (or for anyone) was/ is never disgusting. It was and is beautiful. It’s just that when it is used against you by the one you love- it hurts and shames and .. makes one very angry.”

It is a nice way to think. It hurts when I have to see my love as something negative… I like to love people. Loving feels good.  “I love you” are words I’ve been muttering when I am alone in a self-stimulatory way for years, when I’m thinking of something or someone who makes me… feels things. For a lack of better words.

Just like I mutter “I hate you” when I am ashamed about something… I get very primitive sometimes. Even if I am able to intellectualize when I’m making an effort of communication, my mind is very deprived of vocabulary and complex thoughts sometimes.

I liked your stories and your thoughts about the bear and the coyote. I agree I see no evil in animal attacks, but I’m still glad they didn’t attack you. It is 12:01 am now for me, 03:02 am for you. I hope you’ll still be asleep for a while, enough for you to feel good today, as I post this message.

Linarra