Dear Anita,

The image of the planet in orbit around the sun speaks to me. I will try to be patient and gentle, without giving up.

This morning, I decided to go out, alone, for no reason. It wasn’t an extremely motivated decision, it was just a thought “The temperature is nice around that time outside, and it’s not like I have sometimes else to do. I could go out and get some fresh air, see how it feels.” Usually, it takes me a very good reason to get outside, I do not go out spontaneously. Doing it this morning was nice. I didn’t go far at all, it couldn’t have been considered as a walk. I just found a spot around and tried to enjoy it. I didn’t stay too long because it was getting hotter soon enough, but it was interesting anyway.

My mother saw me as I prepared to go out this morning. She said “You’re going out? Alone? Where does this idea come from? It is dangerous to go out alone you know.” People go out alone all the time. There are always some risks of course, but does she have to say it the one time I decide to go out? She used to let me go out alone in that same village when I was a kid… There’s no logic in her words and behavior. I wonder if she’s just trying to scare me. I wonder how long this has been going on. I went out anyway.

It isn’t the first time I do something for myself and she says something in order to stop me. Not strongly, I can just disagree and go on, but she often makes the effort to say something that could make me rethink my choices and actions. She really prefers me passive and at her disposal, disguising her words of false caring and good intents. It makes it hard to see her in a bad light. But the result of listening to her ‘kind’ words is destructive. Innocent looking, but quite dangerous.

Except when she’s in an uncontrolled crisis, people rarely see the danger. How many times have I heard the “Be kind to your mother, don’t make her life harder, she’s been going through a lot, she love you a lot, protect your mother, don’t make her worrying for you…” from strangers or acquaintances of my mother. People who never saw through what was going on, or who didn’t give it much thought. It is nice to discuss with someone who doesn’t think I have to indulge her.

I hope you’re sleeping well tonight.

Linarra