Dear MKnox,

I hear and understand your pain. And I see you are also very conflicted: a part of you still wants your abuser and his parents to hear you out and show you some empathy, even though another part of you knows it won’t happen. Here is the rational part of you, understanding what happened and that you won’t really get closure from them:

I think it was a big mistake unmasking him in the end and trying to stand up for myself and demand the respect of being able to have a voice and receive closure.

Its all lies and contradictions and manipulation and gaslighting.

How could someone do this to another person and just not even care? Much more i think he WANTS to destroy me and gets pleasure from my pain. Its just so devastating.

And here is another part of you who is confused as to what happened, because she wants to hope that it wasn’t all that bad:

With this relationship I have no picture, I have no understanding.

I can never truly understand the truth and it drives me mad that i cannot.

When I could put my finger on what happened and finally say this is it, You are a narcissist or worse a sociopath or psychopath I at least had some understanding and logically I can know this is the truth but emotionally i just cannot understand.

The emotional part is your inner child – the little girl that was hurt by her parents and cannot understand it because how could they hurt someone they are supposed to love. She is still looking for their apology, she still believes that if she wrote them a letter, they would finally understand and stop abusing her. And maybe even start loving her. Only you aren’t hoping to get it from your own parents, but from your ex and his parents. But the wound fueling your longing and your hope is the same: the wounded little girl who just wants her parents to finally show compassion for her, because it’s unbearable to think that they don’t love her, when she loves them so much and has even forgiven them for their abuse:

And god if your the kind of person that would read all this and hear the victim say they just want to forgive and have a voice and have closure and move on and be done with this and still try to hurt them then youre a truly evil person and i dont think thats true. esp of his father.

You said you’re not projecting your parental issues, but unfortunately, you are, because it’s the little girl who needs that closure. She cannot get it from her parents, so she is desperate to get it from his parents, specially his father. Can you see that?

I know if they did the right thing, it would make healing a lot easier for me.

You make your healing and recovery dependent on the abuser and his enablers. Do you see how it lowers your chances of healing?

Closure not a thing you can give to yourself. Closure involves both parties being on the same page.

Not necessarily. In some cases, e.g. in the case of rape, should the victim wait for the abuser to apologize and only then move on and heal?

Closure is having that full picture of what happened in the relationship and being on the same page together about what happened.

The first part is true: the victim needs to have the full picture of that happened without excusing the abuse. The second part isn’t true: you don’t need the abuser’s apology in order to heal. A rape victim doesn’t. She could wait her whole life and never get the apology she is hoping for.

Apologies and forgiveness are there and both can move forward knowing how to grow from it.

What if the abuser doesn’t want to grow from it?  What if he doesn’t even admit that he did anything wrong?

All I can do is give myself understanding and information and learn to heal from this and it will take so much longer and leave more wounds than if they did the right thing.

Again, the first part is true: you can and should give yourself understanding and information and learn to heal.

The second part isn’t true: it won’t take much longer to heal, and it’s because you won’t depend on their apology – an apology you might be waiting for the rest of your life. It will be much quicker and less painful if you stop waiting for their apology and give yourself closure.

I know it’s hard for you, because the little girl inside of you is still waiting to be loved by her abusers… but if you want to heal, you would need to give love to that little girl. You don’t need to do it alone though – a good therapist can give you the compassion and understanding that you long for and deserve.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.