Dear MKnox,

I was also saying true closure comes with both parties communicating and being on the same page, and i feel what I am doing is different from true closure because both parties are not involved.

True closure – I guess this would mean both parties agreeing on what lead to the breakup and remaining friends after the breakup – is rare even in less toxic relationships. The party that is left behind is often angry at her partner and think they betrayed them. The party that initiated the breakup lost empathy and understanding for their partner, or may feel guilty that they don’t love them any more. None of that is really conducive to dialogue and landing on the same page. So even in less toxic relationships, there is rarely “true closure”, the way you define it.

Amicable separation, with partners separating as friends, usually only happens when both parties have found new partners and both want to leave the relationship. All other scenarios lead to a more or less uncomfortable separation, specially for the party who is left behind.

What I am trying to say is that amicable separation is very rare. But what’s good is that amicable separation is not a precondition for true healing. Numerous victims of abuse have healed without their abuser’s apologizing. And numerous women (and men) in non-abusive relationships have healed after the breakup – even if the other party wasn’t on the same page as them. So the notion that “true closure” is only possible if the breakup is amicable  – is not really true. True closure is possible with proper healing and processing. You don’t need the other party for that.

As for the letter, I wouldn’t leave it on your friend to decide about its destiny. It’s too big of a responsibility for them. You would need to decide for yourself whether you want to send it or not. My advice is not to, because you’ll still be hoping for some reaction, and if the reaction is bad, you’ll feel even worse.

My advice is to write the letter and give it to a trusted therapist, as a way to express yourself and have your voice heard. With time, you can start speaking out and writing on the issue of narcissistic abuse, helping other women as well.