Dear Anita,

“I was thrilled to read that you went outside! Fitting it into the image I painted: the planet took a few steps outside its orbit, farther from the sun, congratulations!!!”

Very small steps, but thank you! I would like to make it a habit, I am still unsure how it will unfold and how I’ll reach emotional motivation instead of curious attempts, but it would be good to try some things for the sake of trying.

“her caring, good intents, kindness and innocence (boldfaced above) are the weapons that she uses against you, to maintain her Power and her ownership of you, keeping you in that orbit around her. Unlike a gun, using her weapons is totally legal and not messy. Most important to her: her weapons work, they get her what she wants.”

Very effective weapons indeed. It messed up with my mind quite a lot. It made me very ashamed of all the anger and frustration I had against her when I grew up with her. And by taming myself, or letting myself be tamed, I failed myself the most. Sure, battling her didn’t worth it, but letting my emotions be killed didn’t worth it either… It was easier than being a person though, as I had no one to talk to when I was younger who could help me become a person… Or, the little attention I was able to get outside was still too superficial, not enough to fight the power of my mother against me.

” when you see your mother liking you, when you see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice and in her words, you are perceiving correctly: she does like you and she is emotionally attached to you.. as a person she owns. She is attached to her sense of Power over You.”

I can imagine that. I didn’t mention it before, since it is an old story for me, but even if I am the eldest of my siblings, I am not my mother’s first daughter. I am her 3rd daughter. She had 2 daughters from her first marriage, quite older than me. When I was very young, they lived with us at home but they left soon enough during my childhood. Finally, all ties were cut.

My mother had quite complicated relationships with those daughters. I could understand why with one of them, who was especially dangerous (even more than my mother, my words). With the other though… It was strange. Years later, while looking back on this story, my mother confessed to us she never loved this daughter, she couldn’t explain why. But she assured us it was different for all her others kids.

The one she affirms she had never loved is ironically the only one who left her, cutting ties on her own (the other one my mother was pushed to cut ties because of the danger). Either way, they both are gone from her heart. And I always imagined I’ll end up in trouble like them if I was leaving (same for my younger siblings), and hated if I was cutting ties. I never associated it with the idea she only loved us if she had power over us though. I didn’t analyze that far. But I can see how it would be a thing.

“some of the strangers.. don’t want her anger…  Some of the acquaintances tell you to be kind to her because by doing so, they are being kind to her, and they want her to reciprocate their kindness somehow.” ” the Parent is in Power and the child is not. People (and society as a whole) are motivated to please those in Power.”

This truth is awful… but yeah, it is probably what was/is happening. I’m starting to think lesser of people… which I guess isn’t a bad thing, because all my life I gave too much importance to people’s opinions, too much power over me, too much fear…

” I don’t want you to indulge her need to have power over you (and much of society’s need to maintain parental power no matter how abusive it is). I want you to exercise your own personal power and exit that gravitational pull which is keeping you in her orbit, owned.”

Thank you Anita, it is helpful.

Linarra