Dear Linarra:

“I am uninterested in having such exchanges with men… I really don’t want to fall into that kind of trap, really, if I can help it“- I wasn’t interested in such exchanges either, but I didn’t know there was any kind of a different exchange. I only knew the one kind: the one my mother trapped me in, “that kind of trap” I was born into.

“(I)… worry, for myself and the future. I worry about what my life is going to be if I am unable to find a solution and to heal“- without healing.. your life would be.. just like it is now, I am guessing, no?

“I still do not intend to end our communication. Unless you want me to end it, of course“- it didn’t cross my mind,  for me to suggest an end to our communication, not at all!

“In the short term, the possibility of being troublesome for you is still more worrying (my usual kind of worry though)“- you are not trouble to me, or for me, no trouble, truly. You are helping me understand me and my mind/ heart/ life better, so thank you!

“And the fear of developing an emotional attachment if the conversation goes on is another thing I’m dealing with“- I think that you having an emotional attachment to me will be good for you, not bad for you.

“what I don’t know is… how to deal with the anxiety that comes with feeling some kind of connection with good people, while being who am I right now and being tight to such a rotten place. In doubt, I tend to consider backing off, but I only do so if I notice my presence is undesired or bad for the other person“-

– 1) I desire your presence in my life, and I would like sometime to exchange emails and talk on the phone, if you wanted that too. For now I am fine with the current communication here, 2) Your presence is good for me because like I wrote above, you are helping me significantly, 3) The connection you feel to a good person (and I am glad that I think of myself as a good person!!!), like I said, I think that it is and will be good for you. If I thought otherwise, I wouldn’t want to continue our connection: it must be a Win-Win connection. Unlike the Win-Lose connection I had with my mother: a Win for her (that intoxicating feeling of power), and a Lose for me (excruciating powerlessness).

“being abused doesn’t justify becoming an abuser. It is an explanation, but it doesn’t mean it should be okay“- of course it is not okay: it is never okay for a parent to abuse her position of power over her child to terribly hurt and harm her child.

I wrote to you: “Now, I am thinking: Linarra may not like me comparing her mother to a Nazi guard, and you answered: “Well, I won’t protect her from that comparison. She can be quite racist and once, when we were fighting her over one of her racist comments by comparing her to Nazis, she answered with a provoking ‘Hail Hitler!’“- wow! My goodness..

“I think I was uncomfortable with the idea my mother was a bad mother for my half-siblings while being an alright mother for her new children. But I was wrong… The perceived difference was because I wanted to believe my mother was good for my siblings and I, because we were young and needed her. My brain couldn’t deal with the possibility she was bad and couldn’t change“-

– if your brain now can see this possibility as the reality that it is.. if you see reality for what it is, your mind, your heart and your life will be better for this.

anita

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