Dear Linarra:

I wrote to you that there are many people who aren’t good people, and you wrote: “Too many, way too many… It makes the world very difficult to navigate. Learning to figure out who is trustworthy, how to stop falling into power games“- it amazes me how confident I feel at this point (compared to past zero/very, very low confidence) about my ability to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not, and how to not fall into power games. It looks easy to me, in comparison to how difficult it used to be.

“And how to deal with interactions with dangerous people when they can’t be helped“- in all of my years away from my mother, I did not personally, to my knowledge, come across a person even close to the amount of danger my mother was to me.

“She hurt you so much… She deprived you of the comfort you should have felt in your body… And you had nobody to protect you from her… So it is no wonder you fell into her trap, then traps similar to hers… It takes a lot to heal from the negative and hurtful feelings that were put inside us“-

– thank you, yes: she hurt me so, so much, it’s incredible how much emotional hurt a person can experience- at any age- and still live to tell about it, isn’t it (?)

I want to compare the traps, the trap with my mother vs the trap with men: with my mother the trap was never ending, with men it was temporary. With my mother, I thought of (and I think I used the term in my poems at the time) my childhood as “my private holocaust”. It felt like an eternity with no way out.

“So your empathy for others is helping you the most for this, it is interesting“, you wrote this regarding my shame. Yes, and this happened as a result of communicating with you, because of you.

“I am curious to experience how it feels, to be comfortable with… Feelings“- the brain/ body automatically numb feelings that are too intense for it to handle, so if and when you happen to feel a more intense emotion: your brain/ body will automatically numb it. This is what happened to me, again and again. It never happened that an emotion became so intense that.. it killed me (obviously) or pushed me into psychosis or whatnot.

Regarding my offer of a wiggle room to make mistakes, you wrote: “Thank you. And, same for you with me“- you are welcome, and thank you!

“I want to try it. I’ll try to think of this when I worry. I really want to discover and experience healing with you, at least as much as it can happen during our communication“- do you have a specific idea in regard to trying something soon, in regard to healing?

anita