Dear Anita,

“it amazes me how confident I feel at this point (compared to past zero/very, very low confidence) about my ability to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not, and how to not fall into power games. It looks easy to me, in comparison to how difficult it used to be.”

It is reassuring to read about your progress on this matter. It’s always nice to know it is possible to improve and gain confidence in such matters.

“I want to compare the traps, the trap with my mother vs the trap with men: with my mother the trap was never ending, with men it was temporary.”

Was it because with men you were more free to leave and cut ties? Because they just couldn’t have more power over you than she used to have? (which makes sense) Or because if you were able to leave her you knew you could leave anybody?

““So your empathy for others is helping you the most for this, it is interesting“, you wrote this regarding my shame. Yes, and this happened as a result of communicating with you, because of you.”

I’m glad, yet it wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t able to be kind and empathetic with others. It seems like this healing happens because you are good with others, and therefore it makes you able to be good with yourself.

“the brain/ body automatically numb feelings that are too intense for it to handle, so if and when you happen to feel a more intense emotion: your brain/ body will automatically numb it. This is what happened to me, again and again. It never happened that an emotion became so intense that.. it killed me (obviously) or pushed me into psychosis or whatnot.”

Oh for sure it is unlikely to kill or drive into madness (or it already have happened when the worse happened, I guess). I guess what is bothering when I feel intense emotions (the level of intensity when you’re being aware of them) is shame and some kind of loneliness. They aren’t landing anywhere and I live in the fear if they were noticed I would be humiliated.

I mean, it’s not like I’ve been going through terrible humiliation every times I have been teased for feeling something. But I tend to withdraw easily when someone notice an emotion. Because it gives informations about me and it feels a bit threatening.

I guess I still running on the same brain program that is meant to protect me against bad people.

“do you have a specific idea in regard to trying something soon, in regard to healing?”

I have no specific idea. Not exactly. But there’s something that is bothering me, a decision I should make soon and I don’t manage to make it…

There’s a friend who invited me to stay 2 weeks with her (she’s keeping a house and don’t want to be alone and I’m the only one of the group who technically have no engagement). She took my maybe for a yes but I can still say no or just do a shorter period.

Anyway, the thing is… I don’t know how to feel about it. She’s a good person but we aren’t close enough for me to be entirely comfortable at the idea. Especially since I don’t know her lifestyle and I tend to need space from people regularly enough.

My brother thinks I should go because any change/novelty is better than none for my brain. And well I would be curious of having more one-to-one talk with this girl but that might be too much. Just the last 3 days of hanging with my friends were enough for me to want to shut down from socializing for weeks or months. And it’s not because they’re bad people. I am afraid I am not a people person… Unless there’s a special connection it is very difficult to be around anyone. I do not feel threatened by them, I feel tired. Like my life is suspended for as long as I am out. Not that there’s much happening in my life home, but at least when I’m alone in my room I can chose what I want to do, I can think myself. Outside with people my brain cannot think, cannot want, cannot chose. Because as a person, I’m still not shaped enough and strong enough to not fade in the background when someone else is around.

From there I don’t know what I want or should do when it comes to this friend’s proposal. Or other things I should do in order to heal. I’m curious to see if you have any input or thoughts that could be helpful to clear my mind about that.

Linarra