Dear Linarra:

I wrote to you: “I want to compare the traps, the trap with my mother vs the trap with men: with my mother the trap was never ending, with men it was temporary”, and you asked (I feel like saying thank you for asking, and I didn’t yet read what you are asking):

“Was it because with men you were more free to leave and cut ties?”- no, this doesn’t sound true, I mean: I was not at all “free to leave” those humiliating situations, I felt immobilized, unable.

“Because they just couldn’t have more power over you than she used to have?”- no, this doesn’t sound true either, because they had all the power they needed to humiliate me.

“Or because if you were able to leave her you knew you could leave anybody?“- no, I wasn’t able to leave her or anyone.

I think that the difference between being stuck/ trapped with her and being stuck with them is that after a limited amount of time, they drove me back, in their cars.. to her, dropping me off and  going back to their lives while my life with her had no time-limit, it was ongoing.

“It seems like this healing happens because you are good with others, and therefore it makes you able to be good with yourself“- yes, it makes sense that for a human/ a social animal, emotional healing has to happen in the social context: being good to other people=> being good to myself => being good to other people, etc.

“Oh for sure it is unlikely to kill or drive into madness (or it already have happened when the worse happened, I guess). I guess what is bothering when I feel intense emotions.. is shame and some kind of loneliness. They aren’t landing anywhere and I live in the fear if they were noticed I would be humiliated.. I tend to withdraw easily when someone notice an emotion. Because it gives information about me and it feels a bit threatening.“-

– when you expressed intense emotions and your mother notices.. how did she react (you probably shared but I forgot at the moment)?

“I have no specific idea. Not exactly. But there’s something that is bothering me, a decision I should make soon and I don’t manage to make it… There’s a friend who invited me to stay 2 weeks with her.. I can still say no or just do a shorter period…  Just the last 3 days of hanging with my friends were enough for me to want to shut down from socializing for weeks or months. And it’s not because they’re bad people…. Outside with people my brain cannot think, cannot want, cannot chose… I’m curious to see if you have any input or thoughts that could be helpful to clear my mind about that”-

– as I read your dilemma I arrived at my answer quickly, way before I got to the ending of my reading: it was (and is) a clear and confident no. Reason: “we aren’t close enough“. To stay with a person you are not close enough to, in her house, for an extended amount of time, given how you feel around other people- is far from being congruent with the gentle and patient nature of emotional healing: it is rough and extreme.

anita