Dear Linarra:

“I do ask because I want to understand better, but of course if there is anything you aren’t comfortable to answer you don’t have to“- same true about any question I ask you.

I wrote to you: “no, I wasn’t able to leave her or anyone”, and you wrote: “What about when you did leave at 24? What made it happen? Did you still felt the ongoing trap despite leaving the country? How did this escape feel?“-

– The escape at 24 was magical, it was wonderful, a rush of joy, the incredible feeling like a bird flying in the clear blue endless sky. I left the country where I was born sometime after watching a movie, The Never Ending Story, the original, which was about a warrior child who left on a journey to the unknown. It was that movie that motivated me to leave my mother and country.. to the unknown.

The incredible feeling of freedom ended when.. still at 24, only 3 months after leaving her and the country, while I was in New York City (NYC), I happened to .. sort of randomly, get the means to arrange for her to visit me in NYC, so I did. Not because I wanted her with me (I did not!), but  because it was her dream to visit America, and I wanted to make her happy, to make her dream come true. And so.. I destroyed my own dream: to be free from her.

After a few weeks visiting and traveling with me, she went back to my birth country. her country. After that, the pattern was that I made progress living away from her, but every time I traveled to visit her, all that progress was reversed. Eventually, those wings I felt I had- flying in the clear, blue sky- nothing was left of those wings.

“why I feel shame and anxiety when I feel intense affection?.. my roommate at college..  I was very fond of her and at some point, my mother started to get jealous and criticize her. Of course, I defended my friend and got angry at my mother“-

– when your mother got jealous, she criticized not only your friend; she criticized you for having a friend and for feeling affection for your friend. That you felt anger at your mother does not exclude feeling shame and guilt for having upset your mother. For a child: if X upsets her mother, X is a bad thing.

“I am not sure why it would result in shame and humiliation though. Unless… The main reason my mother criticized the few friends I had was… I wasn’t jealous of them, mostly intrigued..“-

– there is a simpler way to understand the shame and humiliation that you feel when feeling intense affection: it’s not about your mother’s criticism of your friends but about her criticism of you for liking them, for feeling affection for them.

Her criticisms of your friends and her other messages are all part of the big picture. To undo a confused picture, you have to simplify it, part by part.

“I am not enough of a person and I don’t have enough of a life..  And therefore if I can appreciate someone as a human, I am doubtful they would appreciate me back as a human too“- I believe that you are enough of a person, I believe that.. you are a lot of a person/ human. I understand that my belief isn’t enough: that you need to believe it!

“I feel ashamed for even considering I could be liked as something else than an object“- I like you as more than enough of a person. An object could not be having this amazing conversation with me. Do you feel shame for having read what I just wrote?

“It kind of feels extreme for me too. Honestly, if I was only listening to my feelings I would say ‘no’. It is too much, too sudden. I am unprepared… So if I accepted it would be under the pressure of not wanting to harm our friendship…. I’ll have to talk with her and make my feelings clear. And I guess depending on how the conversation will go I’ll either go in more adapted terms and peaceful mindset or not go at all“-

– I mentioned before being gentle and patient with yourself, but I didn’t mention being respectful toward yourself: when you talk to your friend, don’t apologize for how you feel about staying with her. In general, don’t apologize for how you feel about anything: you don’t choose how you feel, therefore there is no wrong doing and nothing to apologize for. You can explain to her: I wish I felt differently, but I can’t choose how I feel.

When you speak about your feelings, including shame, to your friend or to anyone, speak with an air of respect toward your feelings. Instead of saying something like I-feel-shame with a weak, shaky voice, or with a numb, “dead” voice, say it with a strong, confident voice: that’s respect for how you feel/ for you!

anita