Dear Linarra:

“You still loved her and wanted to make her happy somehow. And her power over you lasted despite being so far away because you were coming back to her.. because the ties weren’t entirely cut“-correct.

“Everything potentially upsets my mother. So everything is a bad thing to her… any rebellion/standing up I would do she would put shame on me… making me a bad girl. Making me feel like a victimizer for… having any feelings/actions that she doesn’t agree with“- she put shame on almost all of you, having shame stick to everything… except for your daydreaming/ fantasy life because she didn’t have access to it

I wrote to you: ”I believe that you are enough of a person, I believe that.. I understand that.. you need to believe it!”, and you replied: “Thank you. I do not know what it would take for me to believe it. Not only intellectually but emotionally…  emotions are a big thing that makes a person feel like a person“- you are welcome. Clearly, what it would take for you to believe that you are enough of a person is.. emotions, your own emotions coming back to life. But there is no rushing of the emotions, they shut down if you rush them.

I wrote to you: “I like you as more than enough of a person… Do you feel shame for having read what I just wrote?”, and you replied: “No, I smiled when reading this. And no, I do not feel shame right now“- it is important that you remember that your emotions are not completely shut down (it was an emotion brought a smile to your face). Make it a habit perhaps to pay attention and acknowledge the emotions that do come up for you.

“Me hoping for it though, is a bit shameful… something messed up has been put into my mind“- shame was put into your mind, your mother did that.

“I do still feel shameful for growing attached though. Or afraid. Or both“- she put shame into this and that and the other thing, almost everything.

“I don’t have the habit of apologizing for how I feel“- this made me smile, an emotion of.. what comes to mind is something like feeling proud of you, an appreciation of you, more like it.

“I don’t pay much attention to how I speak of my feelings, but I think most of the time it’s more neutral/monotone.. . It’s is more of an analysis and hypothesis about how I feel than… an actual feeling of my feelings… I do feel some things during my communication with you but otherwise, it is mostly numb“- if we talked on the phone, I could hear your voice and the tone of your tone and maybe you can practice feeling your feelings and expressing them verbally to me.

“I spoke to my friend today. She was very understanding.. and she would follow my pace. She did offer, though, if it could help me evaluate, that we could try over a for only weekend“- she sounds quite promising!

anita