Dear Anita,

” she put shame on almost all of you, having shame stick to everything…”

Shame on almost everything I am, and fear on almost everything that exists in the outside world. A perfect trap. And she doesn’t expect me to ever get out. She shames me for who I am, but without this shame I wouldn’t be so much of the things she shames me about. Without the abuse and the neglect, I would have been different. And I would have felt free to go, I would have more strength and courage, I believe.

She is at least partly responsible for what she accuses me of being, and in the end she doesn’t want me to escape her, so her shaming me is like a tool to keep me trapped. Whether she’s doing it intentionally or not (depending on her mental illness) the result is the same. And I cannot afford to let her do that to me, letting her affecting me more.

“except for your daydreaming/ fantasy life because she didn’t have access to it”

I really should reconnect with that. I disconnected from my daydreaming and fantasy a while ago, because I feared bad consequences… I started to think, maybe it was escapism preventing me to learn to exist in the real world, and preventing me to heal and evolve.  So I disconnected. It wasn’t a conscious choice, not really, since depression caused the disconnection.

However, the depression was a consequence of realizing that maybe I wouldn’t be able to save myself with my current goals, no matter how hard I was trying. Maybe I wouldn’t get anywhere following that path. And I’ve been sacrificing/neglecting/trying to kill my other needs while following this path (other needs being, real human connection? Belonging somewhere real? Existing? Being a person? They are really abstract needs, not the kind I could plan actions to get them… They don’t tell much about myself except I still am a living being somehow.)

Anyway, my daydreaming/fantasy made me feel things, it was telling more precise things about me as a person even it was getting much reflection into the physical world. Casting it out isn’t a great idea… I should reconnect and find a way to balance my life in a way I can get both my inner world and… existence in the outside world.

” Clearly, what it would take for you to believe that you are enough of a person is.. emotions, your own emotions coming back to life. But there is no rushing of the emotions, they shut down if you rush them.”

I agree.

” it is important that you remember that your emotions are not completely shut down (it was an emotion brought a smile to your face). Make it a habit perhaps to pay attention and acknowledge the emotions that do come up for you.”

Maybe I could make it an exercise, write down in my journal every time I pay attention to an emotion (in order to recognize them better). That would change from my analyzing/organizing/mental puzzle-solving kind of journaling which doesn’t make me pay much attention to my emotions.

” this made me smile, an emotion of.. what comes to mind is something like feeling proud of you, an appreciation of you, more like it.”

It feels good to read you felt proud of me/appreciation of me. It makes me smile. Very different from when my mother show appreciation (which felt twisted, when she felt proud of me she was actually proud of herself for owning me, it wasn’t an appreciation of me as a person, she wasn’t glad for me, she was just using me as a trophy). With you it is different, I am able to feel appreciated as a person and not a possession, and it feels good.

I also feels good, what you said : ” In general, don’t apologize for how you feel about anything: you don’t choose how you feel, therefore there is no wrong doing and nothing to apologize for.” Because it means that maybe I am allowed to not feel guilty about how I feel either? If feelings are not a thing one should apologize for, then they also shouldn’t be a thing to feel guilty about, right?

“if we talked on the phone, I could hear your voice and the tone of your tone and maybe you can practice feeling your feelings and expressing them verbally to me.”

Oh.. Yes, it could be something good.. This suggestion makes me both anxious and curious.

“she sounds quite promising!”

Yes. We’re doing it next week, I’ll probably tell you about how it goes then. Until then I’ll try to prepare mentally for it.

I wonder how is your sleep and if your intestine is feeling better?

Linarra