Dear Linarra:

I read your first paragraph, scrolled down and read your last line. I will first answer your question in the last line and then reply to your first paragraph, then read your next paragraph for the first time, reply, then read the next, etc.

I was up last night for a long time, uncomfortable about sleeping on a different bed, in a different room. The reason is that yesterday the carpet in my  bedroom was removed. After removed, trying to help, I swept the floor and breathed in much dust. At one point, having breathed in the dust, I regretted not wearing a mask, and fear happened, heightened anxiety, I thought that having breathed in the dust will kill me and how stupid it was of me to not wear a mask. A little later, I found out that sweeping the floor was not necessary because a vacuum cleaner was to be used anyway, making the sweeping unnecessary. That made me feel more stupid… for possibly dying unnecessarily. Yesterday afternoon I experienced a heightened anxiety that I did not experience in a long, long time. It reminded me how I used to feel regularly: very anxious, regretting my thoughtless choices (ex. yesterday: sweeping and not wearing a mask), full of regret and self-accusations.

Next, I asked several people if they think I may die from breathing in the dust, and I became aware (and thought about you and our communication yesterday) of the shame in regard to my fear/ anxiety, wondering what people are thinking about me (I was in the taproom), wondering if they think I am crazy, imagining them looking down at me, as in looking at someone who deserves pity. Overall, I felt strange, as if nothing-is-the-same and everything-changed.

I then talked to myself, similarly to how I talk to you, advising myself. I thought: (1) I am feeling heightened anxiety because my routine changed: my bed is gone (for now), my stuff is not where it was, and that caused me heightened anxiety, as well as rushing to sweep the floor and breathing in the dust, (2) This nothing-is-the-same feeling: I felt it before,  months ago, maybe a couple of years ago, and that feeling disappeared, so this feeling now will disappear too, (3) I contained this heightened anxiety quite well: I didn’t yell at anyone, I didn’t abuse anyone.. I did not act crazy.. just anxious, so.. I did well, (4) The people around me, they are anxious too, one of the customers/ friend came in and she looked, as she often does- very anxious. So, I am human, like them, they are like me, I am not weird or a freak. If I thought that I should never experience heightened anxiety, that would mean that I think  of myself as different from and superior to others- and I am not these things, (5) When others see me anxious, and hear me express it, any one of them might be feeling better about themselves when they feel heightened anxiety, feeling what I am feeling: that I am not the only one, as in, we are all in this (the human anxious experience) together

I wrote to you all of the above not so that you help me with it, but so to help myself, writing it helps me process it. Also, I thought that it may help you to read it, particularly the SHAME part being attached to the fear/ anxiety. The shame part-  feeling like a freak/ inferior to others, deserving their pity- greatly increased my anxiety in the past, but yesterday at the taproom, as I talked to myself out of the shame part (#3, 4 & 5 above)- my heightened anxiety.. disappeared within a short time. Back home, I felt uncomfortable on the other bed, other room- but I did not feel nor do I feel now the heightened anxiety of yesterday afternoon.

And now to your recent post, part by part:

“Shame on almost everything I am, and fear on almost everything that exists in the outside world. A perfect trap“- like I mentioned above, shame increases fear. When I removed the shame, when I peeled the shame off the fear- I felt so much better, it was incredible!

“And she doesn’t expect me to ever get out“- she is a terrible person. Can you imagine you doing to a child what she did to you, and to her other children.. would you have the heart to do it?

“She shames me for who I am, but without this shame I wouldn’t be so much of the things she shames me about. Without the abuse and the neglect, I would have been different. And I would have felt free to go, I would have more strength and courage, I believe“– you believe and I have no doubt that the above is true, no doubt whatsoever.

“She is at least partly responsible for what she accuses me of being“- she is wholly responsible for your shame, and your heightened anxiety (I use the word “heightened” to distinguish it from anxiety which everyone experiences, it being our shared human experience) as your mother, she had too much power over you to be .. partly responsible. In your life, she single handedly did it to you.

“her shaming me is like a tool to keep me trapped. Whether she’s doing it intentionally or not (depending on her mental illness) the result is the same. And I cannot afford to let her do that to me, letting her affecting me more“- if she is not psychotic, she is aware and has been aware all along that her behavior causes her children pain, yet she didn’t mind, doesn’t mind and sometimes she enjoys it. She enjoys having POWER over her children.

“I really should reconnect with (day-dreaming)“- I remember being a huge daydreamer as a teenager, but the daydreaming stopped at one point. I don’t remember when. It is no longer attractive for me to daydream, to make up stories that do not exist: I don’t even like reading fiction or watching fictional movies- REALITY is too interesting and there is so much of it to occupy my mind that I don’t have the time or desire for fiction/ fantasy/ day-dreaming.

“I’ve been sacrificing/neglecting/trying to kill my other needs while following this path (other needs being, real human connection? Belonging somewhere real? Existing? Being a person? They are really abstract needs“- these needs used to be very concrete in your mind and heart before they were subdued into abstraction.

“Anyway, my daydreaming/fantasy made me feel things… Casting it out isn’t a great idea… I should reconnect“- let me know if you manage to reconnect, or resume day-dreaming, will you?

“Maybe I could make it an exercise, write down in my journal every time I pay attention to an emotion (in order to recognize them better). That would change from my analyzing/organizing/mental puzzle-solving kind of journaling which doesn’t make me pay much attention to my emotions“-

– good idea. The Analyzing life-experience is 2-dimentional. Feeling our emotions give us a 3rd dimension of life-experience.

“It feels good to read you felt proud of me/appreciation of me. It makes me smile. Very different from when my mother show appreciation..  she felt proud of me she was actually proud of herself for owning me.. as a trophy). With you it is different, I am able to feel appreciated as a person and not a possession, and it feels good“-

– when I read what I boldfaced above, at 8:50 am, I realized that I was feeling better, finally much better than since the heightened anxiety yesterday afternoon, thank you.

“maybe I am allowed to not feel guilty about how I feel either? If feelings are not a thing one should apologize for, then they also shouldn’t be a thing to feel guilty about, right?“-

– right. Remove the guilt, peel it off whatever you feel- and you will feel better! Plus, we shouldn’t apologize for our feelings because they just happen, we don’t choose them. No choosing= No wrongdoing, No wrongdoing=No guilt.

“This suggestion makes me both anxious and curious“, you wrote regarding a phone conversation (my idea is that I will call you, so you don’t have to worry about making the call yourself and paying for it, etc. I think that it will be very, very inexpensive for me). The idea made you anxious and curious- I respect these emotions that you felt, no shaming, no guilting for any emotion you ever feel.

“We’re doing it next week, I’ll probably tell you about how it goes then. Until then I’ll try to prepare mentally for it“- you made your choice! I am pleased,  and ending this post with a smile!

anita