Dear Anita,

I am sorry to read about this change of room, as it seems it will cause more troublesome insomnia until you get used to it.

“I wrote to you all of the above not so that you help me with it, but so to help myself, writing it helps me process it. Also, I thought that it may help you to read it, particularly the SHAME part being attached to the fear/ anxiety. The shame part-  feeling like a freak/ inferior to others, deserving their pity- greatly increased my anxiety in the past, but yesterday at the taproom, as I talked to myself out of the shame part (#3, 4 & 5 above)- my heightened anxiety.. disappeared within a short time. Back home, I felt uncomfortable on the other bed, other room- but I did not feel nor do I feel now the heightened anxiety of yesterday afternoon.”

It is helpful to read about your experience and how you talked yourself out of the heightened anxiety. I am glad you do not feel it anymore. I agree the 4th and the 5th, about not being alone in this distressing experience and not being a freak for it, can be really reassuring sometimes.

Reading or writing about anxiety makes me think of my mother at the moment, because not later than today she came into my room to speak about the anxiety she was feeling about my brother’s driver’s license exam. This week she also called the cops on him an evening (and disturbed the peacefulness of the house, waking me from my sleep) because he decided to spend some time of his evening with his colleagues and “only” warned us by sending texts so she went crazy to believe he was kidnapped and someone was using his phone to make us believe he was safe, she was screaming all over the place and was telling to my sister and me that she would kill us if anything happened to him.

Whether she goes crazy or not, I cannot empathize with my mother’s irrational anxiety… while I know I am more understanding of anyone else’s anxiety. I think the main difference is… her anxiety causes her to creates more problems, upsetting my siblings and me, and it removes the safety and control we have over our life. My brother had to go home after 2 hours of hanging out with his colleagues after he discovered she called the cops, and everyone’s evening was wasted while my mother went to bed without an apology for any of her actions.

My anxiety, even the heightened one, never made me act like she is acting. It can make me freeze and being not very helpful in case of emergency I admit, but make the situation worse or even creating a situation? Not that I remember… except for the times (especially when I was a teen) when I yelled at my mother for creating or worsening the anxiety within me by… pushing through my limits, insulting me, and forcing me to do things I was afraid of, against my will. But I guess it is different, as it was more often than not a reaction to her and I wouldn’t have done it to anyone else because my usual reaction to anxiety is shutting down and isolate myself so I can cope.

For long, I felt guilty for not being able to empathize, for yelling at her when she was hurting me. Now, I’ve built a wall but I still feel part of the guilt lingering, just not as strong because I know… I remember times I was able to empathize with her (while still hating her and suffering from her actions), the pain was so great, the self-hate… There was no possibility for healing for as long I was putting her feelings before mine… Yesterday, as I was showering, she came in and started talking to me, trying to make me empathize and feel pity for her, trying to win me over. Really, she looked pitiful, anyone would have had sympathy (maybe if you forget the fact she invited herself as I was showering, breaking intimacy… but intimacy doesn’t exist in this house), it always makes me wonder if I am the one with a problem, as I don’t feel empathy, as I say her “I don’t care” when she’s speaking of her death. It makes me wonder if I am really the abuser she tells me I am, as those scenes would make me look as one without the knowledge of everything else.

Since I wasn’t acting with empathy, she acted even more as a victim. As if I actively wanted her death (I don’t, I just don’t care and don’t feel like lying), or wanting her to leave. As I was in the shower, calm but still wondering if I was an abuser, I wondered what you would think of this. To be safe, I acknowledge the fact the might be mutual abuse going on, that way I keep the door open to learning and becoming a better person. In the end, I told my mother “If I am bad to you, you would agree it would be better for us to not live together, right?” I don’t remember what she answered or if she even answered, because she often doesn’t answer directly to what I say. Our conversations don’t lead anywhere. And I think she doesn’t want us to be apart because her life has no meaning when she has no one to have power over.

Alright, there were not many clear points with these thoughts and stories. They weren’t very well-structured thoughts like yours about yesterday’s events. But at least it can help me process and see what thoughts it brings up to you.

“she is a terrible person. Can you imagine you doing to a child what she did to you, and to her other children.. would you have the heart to do it?”

I don’t think I would. It’s been a long time since I started to think I didn’t want children. Because my mother made me feel like an incapacitated and bad person, I wouldn’t even think of risking being responsible for a child and maybe causing harm. I did have much thought about children’s needs while trying to understand the needs that weren’t met for my siblings and me, and maybe figure out how to make up for them.

These thoughts lead me to understand parenting was really difficult, and I decided I wouldn’t ever have a child if I wasn’t able to make sure all their needs were met, and they would have a lot of different support other than myself so they aren’t alone and stuck with me as an only model. Diversity of resources and supports seem very important factor to me, if only to diminish the power anyone can have other them (myself included). Being a flawed person, I can make mistakes, but having different models (hopefully good ones) would allow a kid to not suffer too much from modeling on my mistakes and repeating them, or be stuck with me. It would provide choices, opportunity, and an escape if I happened to be bad or not good enough.

Such a healthy environment though, I cannot even provide for myself. I wouldn’t even have the heart to impose that on a child, so I wouldn’t have the heart to make them go through the extent of abuse and mental destruction I went through.

“I remember being a huge daydreamer as a teenager, but the daydreaming stopped at one point […] REALITY is too interesting and there is so much of it to occupy my mind that I don’t have the time or desire for fiction/ fantasy/ day-dreaming.”

It is understandable it could become uninteresting for someone. Daydreaming is sometimes a coping mechanism or a replacement for what reality is lacking (mine has been and is still really lacking), but sometimes it is also my reaction to interesting reality. Daydreaming is part of my creative process, and creativity is my way to have fun and interact with life, from my experience I am more likely to feel emotions this way, so I can’t imagine feeling fulfilled without having it being part of my life. When I get very excited about something, my imagination can’t be helped.

“let me know if you manage to reconnect, or resume day-dreaming, will you?”

Sure, I will.

“my idea is that I will call you, so you don’t have to worry about making the call yourself and paying for it, etc. I think that it will be very, very inexpensive for me”

Oh, I didn’t even think about the prices (since my friends usually call me through internet connection) or the arrangement yet… which, oops, give me more to worry because it’s a bit more concrete. But that’s alright, I’m going to avoid overfocusing on the details. My anxiety was more about the conversation itself. When talking with a new person over the phone I cannot predict how it’ll go or if my brain will no fail me. Speaking isn’t an activity I do regularly enough to be confident about it, doing it in english even less. But it’s alright, there’s anxiety coming with everything new.

Before ending this message, I’m reminding myself of removing the shame and the guilt of my feelings, just as you wrote in your message, but thankfully I feel no shame or no guilt talking with you at this moment.

It is 10:11 pm here, and 1:11 pm your time. As it is another long message, a little reminder again you don’t have to read it or reply today if you don’t feel like it. (If I’m not mistaking you tend to read the beginning and ending of posts when you don’t feel like it so hopefully you’ll see it even if it’s at the end?)

I wish you a good afternoon, and good luck for tonight, I hope the night won’t be as long as the previous one!

Linarra