Dear Anita,

It’s around 2 a.m. here, so I guess around 2 p.m. for you.

I tried to find an answer to your question but I didn’t. I wasn’t able to identify something that was lost. The thought of your answer brought up a lot of fear, it made me really afraid. The thought of losing our connection feels really painful. I’m angry at myself for causing it. I want to fight myself, but the feeling is slowed down by resignation. It was too good to be true, the good things don’t survive around here.

I still feel pain, I want to destroy parts of me with hope it will stop the spreading of the gangrene. If anything good in me is still alive it should be spared the contamination. Maybe it’ll survive if I destroy the rotten parts. So maybe I should cut and cut until I’ll see what’s left. I am angry and disappointed in myself for losing our connection, which is one of the few thing that made me feel joy recently. So maybe if I use this anger… But I’m afraid there won’t be anything left of me once I start the process. And is it really gentle? Is it really healing?

I don’t really want to hurt the part of me that is still alive because I’m in distress. Because I am undeserving of anything good until I managed to leave. I won’t destroy anything tonight. I’m soothing my anger. No matter what happens I don’t regret talking with Anita. The connection was good for as long it lasted. I’m sad, I’m crying. Wondering if I should delete what I wrote. But I won’t. Because I won’t be able to answer more honestly than that tomorrow. It is why I started typing during the night, because tomorrow maybe I’ll be numb again.

I’m sorry. If I did anything wrong please let me know.

Linarra