Dear Linarra:

I just read your 2 am post, the most powerful post I read from you and it made a big difference for me, it moved me positively toward you, feeling closer to you again.

I will explain what happened recently on my part ever since a day and a half ago, Aug 27, when I read this part of your post that day:  “my mother at the moment, because not later than today she came into my room… she went crazy…  screaming all over the place and was telling to my sister and me that she would kill us..  went to bed without an apology for any of her actions… Yesterday, as I was showering, she came in..  she looked pitiful…  she invited herself as I was showering, breaking intimacy… makes me wonder if I am the one with a problem, as I don’t feel empathy, as I say her ‘I don’t care’ when she’s speaking of her death. It makes me wonder if I am really the abuser she tells me I am”-

– it hit too close to home for me: the actions you described on her part were so recent:  on the day you posted and on the day before, not long ago in a distant childhood, not a month ago, but.. I could almost touch it, that’s how close it was.. happening right now!

The abuse is HAPPENING, is what occurred to me, an awareness I didn’t quite have before in regard to you. I didn’t think of it as really happening right now before Friday Aug 27 as I read your post (quoted above).

With this new awareness I felt ANGRY, angry at her: how DARE she, how… dare she!!!!!?????!!!!!

And I was so angry that when she entered the bathroom, invading your privacy, you thought SHE looked pitiful, later feeling guilty for.. not feeling empathy FOR HER???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did YOU look when she entered the bathroom? How did you look when she woke you up from sleep screaming about your brother?.. How did your  brother look when his chance for a good time was stolen by your mother who called the cops on him???

I can hardly stand the INJUSTICE of this, it is so WRONG I have no words.

Next. I got angry at you and thought to myself: why doesn’t she STOP this situation, why does she allow this MONSTER, her mother, to keep abusing everyone (and why do your siblings allow the same), WHY IS SHE ALLOWED to do what she does, why is everyone feeding the beast??????????????!!!!!!

I was confused Friday and Saturday, feeling disconnected from you until I read your Sunday 2 am post, the emotional, powerful one. As a result of reading it, I felt connected to you again.

“The thought of losing our connection feels really painful. I’m angry at myself for causing it. I want to fight myself, but the feeling is slowed down by resignation. It was too good to be true, the good things don’t survive around here“- this part of the 2 am post made me think: she CARES, she VALUES our connection, therefore it MUST survive.

“I won’t destroy anything tonight. I’m soothing my anger“- I feel that pride in you again.

“No matter what happens I don’t regret talking with Anita. The connection was good for as long it lasted. I’m sad, I’m crying. Wondering if I should delete what I wrote. But I won’t“- proud of you again for not deleting it. This post that you did not delete made all the difference for me.

“tomorrow maybe I’ll be numb again“- I wonder if you are numb now.

“I’m sorry. If I did anything wrong please let me know“- I know that your 2 am post was not wrong, it was the right thing to do. (See how Emotion can be trustworthy, how it can lead you to do the right thing?)

I should elaborate on my angry response and confusion of earlier, so to process it better and so to share with you: your mother reminds me too much of my mother, her recent actions are the same as mine, minus calling the cops of her child: the screaming.. oh, the screaming and threatening to kill me or herself.. the violation of any and all  privacy available for her to violate.. and my response, same as yours: feeling sorry for her.. not for me, but for her. Feeling sorry for her and angry at her, empathy and anger, shame and guilt.. and fear, no wonder I was so exhausted. IF ONLY I stopped her, if only I stopped feeding the beast, I could maybe I would have saved my sister.. maybe I could have saved the people she passed on the damage to. I don’t want to elaborate on this, it hurts too much. I regret not STOPPING HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think back now, seeing my face as a child, in my mind’s eye displaying those quite severe tics that plagued me back then, those unwanted muscular movements of face, head, shoulders and every single muscle in my body that could be moved.. and I think, this girl was not ABLE to STOP the MONSTER.

Back to you and the monster you are living with: what she is doing is WRONG. That wrong will be passed on to new people if any one of the three of you (your brother, your sister, yourself) bring a child into the world. This WRONG needs to be STOPPED. ASAP!

Save yourself, and in doing so, you have a chance of saving any one of your siblings, or both and the children they may bring into the world.

I am feeling anger right now, a valid anger, I am okay with this anger: anger at the Monster, anger at the Wrong passed on from one generation to the next, a Wrong so common, to one extent or another, that (I strongly believe) is what’s behind humanity destroying itself via global warming/ climate change, political radicalization, departure from science, and more.

I am seeing the bigger picture in which you and I are only 2 people. Neither one of us can save the world, but if each one of us can save just one person, that’s good enough, and I mean if you can save yourself, that can be good enough. It will be good enough.

I am well aware that at least true to yesterday, you don’t really want to move out (or have the Monster move out): “Leave sure, but I don’t feel up to it without a plan and at least a bit of motivation“, Aug 28. You have no desire to no longer live with your mother. You think that the trouble and money it will cost you to no longer live with her .. is not worth it.

I don’t think that there is anything I can do to change this other than.. if I had the money and ability to .. I am guessing, offer you $500,000, I am guessing, maybe a million dollars (I am not joking here, I am serious!) so that you have an attractive plan to motivate you to no longer live with your mother (“I don’t feel up to it without a plan“, Aug 28)

And without offering you a plan attractive enough, I don’t have the right to insist that you move out. Not being there, able to hold your hand and help you in each step of the way, I have no right to .. basically, to tell you what to do.

There is also this one complication: in this imaginary scenario, if I showed up with an attractive plan and you ended up living comfortably on your own, it is possible and at this time, probable that you will still be in contact with the Monster, visiting her, still receiving her abuse because of … still feeling empathy for the Monster.

I am not looking back at what I wrote in this post, no editing. I will close it by saying: I don’t know where to go from here and I guess this is the real nature of the healing process- for me and for you: not knowing what’s next. But what I am sure of is that I want to heal further through my communication with you, that I value it and I value you. I want/ am motivated very much to keep communicating with you.. forevermore, that’s what I am feeling.

anita