Dear Linarra:

“I’ll try to be careful to not use the term mother with you from now on then. I don’t know how comfortable with using the term Monster myself, but I might get used to it. I can’t think of another English term. In French, I’m thinking about ‘marâtre’.. A stepmother (especially an evil one..  An abusive, wicked birth mother“-

– I very much like “birth mother” and birth daughter to point to the reality that a birth mother and a birth daughter don’t have to be connected beyond the unchosen fact of one popping out of the other’s body.

– There is a Shakespearean quote: “To thine own self be true”. You can use whatever terms or words you want to use as long as the words you use feels true to you, while I will use the words that feel true to me. The healing process is about being more and more true to yourself, which means: you must not accommodate me at the expense of you being true to yourself. Call that woman whatever feels true to you.

I wrote to you: “she weakened you with her triple weapon of Fear-Shame-Guilt, profiting from your history of being small and helpless as babies and young children, and keeping you that way”, and you replied: “I feel this one deeply. She’s been doing that so much, unfortunately successfully“-

– A grown up woman used weapons against a small and helpless child, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.. expressing no regret, making no significant efforts, if any, to correct her ways and put down the weapons.. and then she used the same weapons against a second child… and then against a third.. and a fourth.. and a fifth.  Does she deserve yours or anyone’s empathy… this woman who harms children with weapons .. just because she can get away with it?

This wicked birth mother is wicked indeed. Long ago she was a child herself, harmed by her own mother and by other adults in her young life.. but that didn’t cause her to side with those harmed, too weak and dependent to protect themselves or fight  back. Instead, she sided with those inflicting harm on the weak and dependent.

Many, many years ago, this wicked woman was a child herself, a good, loving child. You can see glimpses of the child that she was in her face, in her voice, when she is scared, pitiful, hopeful or affectionate.. but thing is, the child that she was is gone and is never coming back. What you see is glimpses of a child that is long gone.

“I really believe I need more positive connections, real ones, with people who consider me as a person. Maybe it’ll help me find back some life and be more connected to my emotions“- as social animals, positive, meaningful connections with others make it possible for us to experience emotions. Without connections, we feel dead inside. Connections make us feel ALIVE!

“one of the things that makes me lack confidence in the idea of being able to take care of myself well enough to survive in the outside world. Not being able to trust my cognitive functions is scary“- positive, meaningful connections with others will bring your emotions and your cognitive functions back to life, infusing your heart and brain with much needed oxygen!

“I also believe I was more messed up by the mental attacks than any of the physical ones I receive in my life. The physical ones are proofs something is wrong, they show evidence of something awful. The mental ones are more easily overlooked“-

– (1) she uses mental weapons because they don’t leave physical marks: no blood, no broken bones, (2) she knows how mental wounds feel like because the child that she was suffered those.. and yet, she does to others what was done to her, not once but again and again.. and again.

After I submitted to you the last post yesterday, ending with “dearest Linarra”- I was worried: maybe it  made you feel uncomfortable, it could potentially, if ..let’s say the wicked birth mother refers to you this way, in French. Also, I am quite new at referring to people affectionately. How do you feel about me calling you earlier “sweet Linarra”, and this “dearest Linarra”… ?

anita