Dear Anita,

“The healing process is about being more and more true to yourself, which means: you must not accommodate me at the expense of you being true to yourself. Call that woman whatever feels true to you.”

I like this idea, not having to accommodate to understand each other, to be able to be true to myself without having to fear every time about how it could endanger our connection.

“Does she deserve yours or anyone’s empathy… this woman who harms children with weapons .. just because she can get away with it?”

Having empathy for her costs too much. And honestly, it didn’t make her a better person to have mine. So she doesn’t deserve it.

“Long ago she was a child herself, harmed by her own mother and by other adults in her young life.. but that didn’t cause her to side with those harmed, too weak and dependent to protect themselves or fight back. Instead, she sided with those inflicting harm on the weak and dependent.”

She claims she protect us so strongly. And I can see her actions are sometimes coherent with that, but even when she makes actions in order to ‘protect her children’, she thinks more of herself than she thinks about her children. Because we tell her “no it’s not going to help”, “no it will cause more harm”, “no, it isn’t your business”… and yet she keeps imposing her harmful “protection”. This means the truth is… no matter how much she lies about it, she’s on the side of the harm.

” positive, meaningful connections with others will bring your emotions and your cognitive functions back to life, infusing your heart and brain with much needed oxygen!”

Very very much need indeed.

“After I submitted to you the last post yesterday, ending with “dearest Linarra”- I was worried: maybe it  made you feel uncomfortable, it could potentially, if ..let’s say the wicked birth mother refers to you this way, in French.”

Oh, she does call me with french endearments terms but, to be honest, I don’t listen to her much when she’s being affectionate. I listen to her so little that I couldn’t tell exactly what endearment she uses, or how often. And even those I can remember at this moment I don’t associate them with her specifically. But don’t worry I will telling you if something reminds me of her in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

“Also, I am quite new at referring to people affectionately. How do you feel about me calling you earlier “sweet Linarra”, and this “dearest Linarra”… ?”

It depends on the moment. Yesterday, I was still a bit worried about our connection (only slightly), so I didn’t allow myself to feel warm like other times you showed affection. When it comes to affection, I have a ‘proceed with caution’ system. I am open to it and enjoy affection very much when in relationships that I trust, but even when I trust there are times when my brain get stuck into evaluating the risks.  Not the risks of big betrayals, but the risks that come with usual emotions and fluctuations that come with relationships… which are not supposed to be too risky, but since my brain has been used to be cautious I can’t help a bit of worry.

As I said, it’s not too intense, but when they are there, they can be messing with my appreciation of the connection. Other than these times, I very much appreciate affection and I don’t believe I have specific negative triggers. If you have some, please tell me so I can be mindful of them.

Linarra