Dear Anita,

“this is so beautiful that I had to quote it all just so to see it again, it makes me smile and feel so good about you!”

I am glad. It was one of the things I’ve been thinking about telling you but waiting for a good timing. I did notice the times you mentioned fantasy about talking to me over the phone, helping me escape my mother, or… being there, holding my hand and helping me through each step of the way. I was deeply moved by those parts of your posts, yet I didn’t reply to those specifically.

Every of those would have been an occasion to tell I’ve had those small daydreaming about you. Not something like you helping me escape, no… mostly just about what our connection would look like if we could interact in real life, how I would feel… And it makes me feel really good to imagine this.

I didn’t dare to tell you, because it would show attachment, and since we both experience fear of emotional attachment I am instinctively wary about showing signs and telling about it. I can do it though, slowly, when the timing feels right… with hopes if I do it in the right way it will be good for both of us.

Figuring out the right way to go with attachment is difficult. I base myself on the attachment theory of Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby (I don’t know if you’re familiar with this?) and my personal emotional experience. My personal experience as a receiver :

– too much clinginess (from interaction with anxious attachment, coming from a fear of abandonment) feels suffocating, unsafe because I’m not trusted and I can’t feel free to be myself because I have to be wary of not harming the other person’s feelings with everything I do… So, not good. It can fall into unhealthy caretaking.

– too much distance (from interaction with avoidant attachment, coming from a fear of intimacy) is alright when I don’t feel ready to being emotionally attached either, but when I feel some attachment it can go from… feeling disheartened to being heart-broken, and maybe awoken some anxious attachment feelings that I kill immediately because I know from my inner emotional experience that clinginess will make it worse.

Now, as the person feeling and showing attachment to others, I relate to both anxious and avoidant feelings… (which would mean I have a fearful-avoidant attachment, I guess) Though, being more of an half-dead trunk than a person, I didn’t act on my feelings most of the time, I was trying to be more of an observant. When I didn’t have a choice because I was directly sollicited, I tried to tempered whatever I was feeling. And after I discovered attachment theory and what Secure attachment was supposed to be like, I tried to emulate it. I am still aiming towards that, learning to trust, learning to alright with expressing and receiving affection, and reminding myself that distance isn’t necessarily leading to rejection or harm.

I am willing to let our connection be a blossom on my trunk, and I want to do it the healthy and secure way for both of us. Of course, there will always be some fear, anxiety, awkwardness… this is a whole package coming with the emotional attachment (this package thankfully includes joy, warmth, excitement!) The negative aspects of it are intensified by our similar childhood experiences that lead us to insecure attachment patterns, but as we are both on our healing journey I believe it is safe enough for us to… go for it. At the pace that feels right, since we are patient this shouldn’t be a problem to go slowly and safely. Carefully, because we both care about each other.

Coming back to the bits of daydreaming I had about you. I didn’t dare to go too far because I don’t want to let my mind build expectations. I believe it could come in the way of our connection if I let myself feel any expectation. I rather experience our connection as it is, with the real you. I still have these bits of daydreaming because it is how my attachment towards you expresses itself. If we were around each other, I could look at you and pay attention. If you seem uncomfortable, we could talk and try to reach some clarity and peace (if you needed space and no talking it would be alright with me too). If you seem comfortable, we could just enjoy it. Maybe, after looking at you in the eyes and confirming you feeling good, I would dare to tell you how good I feel about you and our connection. Maybe I would dare to ask you about what kind of intimacy you are comfortable about, if I feel bold and confident enough, or maybe I would ask you what would make you happy to do right now if I still feel shy but want to show you affection in a softer way.

These daydreams don’t exactly reach an end because it is just me imagining how I could express affection safely for both of us, and how I could react to different possible actions and reactions from you. They are some kind of simulation, some kind of training that makes me feel good and reassures me in my ability to handle a close connection safely.

I hope you’ll sleep longer tonight!

Linarra