Dear Anita,

” All the academic information, as interesting as it is, will not bring about anything good unless the person you get attached to is worthy of your trust.”

Indeed, if there’s no trust it doesn’t work either way..

“Earlier I thought about calling you and it occurred to me that you are living with.. Her, and what if she gets on the phone and harasses me, what if she finds our communication here, email.. and attacks me, perceiving me as the Danger-Out-There.. I don’t want her or people like her in my life.”

Living with her made me keep people I care about away from my house (and unfortunately from me) for their own safety for very long. I don’t want her anywhere near you. I don’t want you to ever meet her, and I don’t want you to have to hear her voice.

If we have a phone call I will get out and hide from her. I will be careful. It is my job to protect my loved ones from the monster, whether it is by keeping them away from me (if I’m unable to leave) or maybe, when/if I’m able to leace, by being away from her myself. There is just no doubt in my head that as long I am within this home, the people I care about outside have to be away from me…

Until now it wasn’t exactly a big issue, because my friends can’t or don’t care much about visiting me. For those who aren’t living nearby it visiting me never has been an option, and for those who do live nearby we just hang out outside. It is the first time I have to worry about having someone wanting to see me, so… I am a bit unprepared. I would have to prepare and plan things ahead. If I still live with her I guess we would meet far from where I live and I would lie to her about who I’ll be with (a lie that would prevent some fuss). To be honest farther than that I cannot imagine, because there’s no way to know what the future is made of, whether it is for Covid or my ability to leave home.

I can just promise I wouldn’t let her near you, whatever it takes.

” sitting in an outdoors casual restaurant with you, it’s quiet enough to talk but the noises around are pleasant, people talking to each other, seeming happy.. and we sit there, maybe drinking cappuccino with foam, your face so young, mine much older.. a smile, maybe a shy smile on my face, on yours, the sun is pleasant, warm but not hot, some traffic noise.. sitting there enjoying the pleasant sun, the sounds, noticing the awkward feeling and reminding each other that it’s okay to feel awkward, no need to add awkward on top of awkward… “

The scenery seems nice. I’m feeling anxiety because my past experiences of having anxiety in crowded places, but this anxiety is bearable when I’m with someone I trust. And I can still try to improve my anxiety management until then.

” Maybe it’s later in the day and we an have a glass or red wine (I will have to add a sweetener to it, which might offend proud wine drinkers… will it offend you?)”

I wouldn’t be offended by such things. I’m am no proud drinker (of wine or anything, alcohol upset my stomach too easily) and when I have any kind of alcohol I prefer it sweet so, no offense. For that or any food preference by the way. I’m not exactly sure why people are wasting their energy criticizing other people’s personal preferences.

Linarra