Dear Anita,

“Yes, nature is better, no reason to add unnecessary stress such as a crowded place, besides, for me, visiting you will be about meeting you, not about going to a restaurant or seeing other people.. so nature, a park- will be find and dandy with me.”

Thank you for discussing it with me, I really appreciate it. I have still difficulty realizing you would really consider meeting (and that I am not rejecting with vivid fear). It is quite… new for me. All of this. I tend to avoid new experiences, I’m usually overwhelmed just at the idea, to the point I prevent anything that may entertain it.  So it is very strange to me that I am not doing that… I am not sure I understand. I just hope I’ll find the courage to live up to it. I’ll just try to figure things out at my pace though. I am peaceful enough, despite all the unknown factors. I think all the conversations we had, and the way we handled them helped me relax a lot. There’s something about it.

I think I might be at a turning point in my healing journey, I am not quite sure because I can’t see ahead, but there’s definitely something different compared to how I used to proceed and feel. It is very mysterious, yet not too scary.

“It occurred to me that maybe you feel uncomfortable about telling me more of what’s happening in your home, with Her because it made me so emotional last time you told me- but I do want you to tell me what’s going on between you and her/ your siblings and her, it is important that I know about such an important part of your life. I will be okay with handling it emotionally, really.”

I’m not uncomfortable, not really, but she’s a mood downer so I like thinking about you better, she doesn’t need to take more space in my mind than she did already. But I can share, sure.

Today she find a way to pet her nose into my brother’s business even if he’s not here anymore! By making a phone call he wouldn’t have liked her to make, because it is humiliating. I warned my brother, he asked me to stop her. I did, but not too efficiently. She was upset with me for ratting on her for the rest of the day. Being rude and everything, insulting and making phone calls to make sure everyone knows how unfair her ‘insert insulting descriptions I won’t repeat’ of daughter was spying on her.

I wasn’t even upset back. But I felt annoyed when she interrupted me in my cooking, purposefully rejecting the meal I was making despite it was including her, taking my place and the tools I got ready to make her own food as some kind of power move against me (as I interpreted from her attitude). I sent her a dirty look thinking about how little she cared about her children, she seen it and insulted me, once she left the kitchen with her food I was able to resume the cooking. Her share of it is still in the fridge.

After eating I procrastinated a little bit on washing my teeth because, unfortunately, the only access to the bathroom requires to go through her room. Instead, I read some old threads on Tiny Buddha until I finally felt the energy to pass through the monster’s room. Which reminds me I should do that now too before I go to bed.

It’s alright, today had also some nice moments. I wasn’t numb.

Linarra