Dear Anita

Thank you again – v v much – for your care and kind advice! You are a saint!

Yes, you are right about what you said about injustice – thank you for correcting me!

Also, thank you for sharing with me your own experience with your abusive mother.  I appreciate that v much!

I look forward to reading your thoughtful messages Anita despite how tough they are. They force me to reflect deeply while reliving my rocky experiences with my mother. You have really helped me probe into my childhood and its effects on the adult me. No one has ever cared so much! You are a truly kind and generous person!

Anita, what you have said is all so true. However I find it next to impossible to go no-contact with my mum. Sorry to disappoint. Instead, I think that I will write her messages to show that I still love her. She needs the assurances as she is now frail and elderly – and has health issues. She keeps wanting assurance from me that I still love her. She says that she prays for me every night and hopes that I return to being a Catholic – I was brought up as one but no longer believe.

Perhaps she does love me in her own selfish way. Or perhaps I really want to believe that. While there are tiny moments of love or kindness towards me, they are largely swamped by her abuse.

Each time she does the nasty on me, I would go no-contact and she would apologise. Although I realise that her apologies are her way of getting me back into her realm. And when I do, she starts being abusive again.

She is like that, perhaps because of her own childhood and biology. I don’t know that it is her fault. She is unaware and has this inflated and false sense of herself. Hence I want to be a little compassionate – while protecting myself from her abuse.

Given my now heightened sense of awareness (because of you!), I have my guard up and will be very calm and unemotional when I speak to her. Following on from what you wrote to me, I have been listening to a few videos/podcasts on narcs. They cannot change. They may not be bad people. They just can’t help being the way they are.

With gratitude,

DC