Dear Anita,

” Last evening, early evening at the taproom, the server, her name is Arianna, her real name. It felt so strange when I called her Linarra, instead of Arianna. It was the first time that I said your (screen) name out loud!”

It makes smiles so much. I always smile and feel excitement in my belly when I see you replied, but it is even more intense with such a sweet first paragraph!

My brother would say I look like a high school girl talking to her crush (he already said it once as I was excited when I saw the notification of your reply), he just likes to tease. We (my siblings and I) tend to be emotionally sober/moderate, when I experience intense joy it is noticeable and it appears to be a good reason to tease. It’s alright with me if my joy looks childish, it feels good and I don’t want to repress it anymore. Just like I don’t want to repress my affection for you at the moment.

“this could become a possible motivation,  moving you to desire leaving your home: to feel “good, more alive”!”

Maybe it could, we’ll see!

“the living-dead.. hiding the life inside.”

Living-dead could be my middle name. I identified so much as that, during times of vivid self-awareness of my inner death (triggered by being near living people, when I am hanging out with my friends but unable to connect and to interact). It was distressing and painful.

“so.. you can live a little bit under the cover of English.”

French can work too sometimes. Sometimes if feels like I don’t speak her language even in french. After years of being uninteresting she don’t seek too much drama to feed upon around me anymore. She still abuse me but it depends mostly on her mood and need to lash out on someone than because I did anything.

“I will tell you then a bit more about calling out your screen name at the taproom early last evening: the serve is physically beautiful, about your age, so I said to her: “You are beautiful Linarra”, and then I added with some embarrassment, “Oh, did I say Linarra?” It occurred to me that the reason I used your name instead of hers is because of the word “beautiful”, because I said it to you earlier (in addition to the similar sound of the two names)”

I’m smiling again, I do like to imagine this scene. I feel close to you at the idea you had my name so close on your mind that it slipped and in such a context. Thank you for telling me!

“Oh, you would.. sponsor me to the US, really.. like you care about me that you’d go through the trouble..? I know you ungrateful b^^&&, you wh***, you don’t give a sh*** about me, you (hit, hit, hit) after all I did for you, the hard work, every day, giving you the best food, the best clothes.. and all you will do for me is sponsor me.. then leave me alone to struggle while you go about to have your own life.. forgetting about all I did for you…? ”

She sounds like the selfish, ungrateful one. A child shouldn’t owe anything to their parents as they didn’t ask to be born. You were your own person and had the right to chose what you want to give and how much you’re able to without feeling a loss. Such an offer was a gift from you, it shouldn’t be considered as a repayment of a debt. Your mother was selfish, trying to manipulate into giving your everything to her.

“You are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad. You did so much to make me feel good. Thank you!”

And I want to keep making you feel good! Because you make me feel so good too.

And I am not wanting this as a repayment of any kind of debt. I don’t feel indebted to you because you make me feel good, no. Because, it just feel very good already to feel this love for you and be able to express it! I feel so glad to be talking with you. I’ve been receiving so much just by communicating with someone as wise, well-intentioned and lovely as you. I wouldn’t ask for more, I’ve been feeling good and happy plenty with you, from the very moment we started to talk you were enough. I was already grateful. I started talking with you with no expectations, so of course our connection brought me so much more than I would ever had asked for. Our communication has been good and positive I could only feel, very easily and very quickly, so much strong feelings about you. It is a gift just as it is now and as it has been. And because of that I want to cherish it so much. I won’t tell it enough, or too much, because it feels so great to tell my true feelings and not repressing them.

“I hope your visit with your friend is going well. We can try to connect for this purpose tomorrow, or Monday.”

It is going well, thank you! I’ll get back to you about this when I’m home then!

“you must see a dentist, a gum infection can travel to the brain, it can be dangerous, please see a professional as soon as possible!”

It’s alright, I’ve got an appointment this week.

“that’s the affect my mother’s presence (physical and mental) had on me. My neurons really did get damaged, permanently (I still suffer from tics which include movements that involve physical distress).”

I’m angry at your mother. How can a woman who hurt you so bad could consider she gave you anything worthy of repayment/gratefulness… The only thing she deserved was you anger and you abandoning her to her fate. You deserved to be loved and cared for and she didn’t do that to you. She didn’t deserve your kindness.

“I did sleep better than the night before.”

I am glad you did and I hope it’ll be the same (or better) tonight! Have a good afternoon Anita!! I hope there won’t be too much mistakes on this posts as I was getting sleepy.

Linarra