Dear Linarra:

“when I experience intense joy it is noticeable.. It’s alright with me if my joy looks childish, it feels good and I don’t want to repress it anymore. Just like I don’t want to repress my affection for you at the moment” – joy and affection are good things, things not to repress but to express… unless it’s unsafe, of course, as it is with your mother.

“Living-dead could be my middle name. I identified so much as that, during times of vivid self-awareness of my inner death“- (I am thinking out loud): when you expressed certain emotions, she felt threatened by your emotions and attacked you, so to kill you and your emotions.. while keeping the physical you alive. Of course, she couldn’t kill your thinking and imagining.. so you think/ imagine (day dream) without appearing emotionally alive.

“She sounds like the selfish, ungrateful one… Your mother was selfish, trying to manipulate into giving your everything to her“- yes, thank you.

When I gave her what she wanted (money, material gifts) as an adult.. with the exception of that trip to New York City I mentioned before, and one small gift, nothing I gave her was  good enough, not exactly what she wanted…or not what she wanted at all. At 29 I was the most functional in life that I have ever been (and ever will be): I was employed full time for the first time in my life, and I was employed in a unionized job: great promise as to raises and.. the best health care benefits imaginable in the U.S., plus other benefits. I rented a small room in a house at the time, saving my money, and started to DREAM about buying a home in the U.S. I saved for a down payment and visited a bank on the matter.

At that time, SHE decided to visit me in the U.S. It was not  possible for her to live with me in that small room, so I arranged for what I thought was a comfortable place.. and I continued to work, driving to see her, took her to all the tourist attractions in Southern California.. did my best, but I was so tired and of course HER PRESENCE in my life was so distressing.. I drove her to Las Vegas and got lost in Death Valley on the way.. it was scary. I drove her to Mexico but after entering Mexico, I realized that I didn’t have my U.S. passport with me and therefore.

At the end of all that misery, she expressed how disappointed she was of me.. I forgot her words but they hurt a lot.. so to compensate her for my mistakes and her disappointment, I handed her- in cash- my planned down payment for my own home, so that she can take it to her country and buy a better apartment for herself. She took the money and was gone. After she left, so very distressed from her visit and my DREAM gone, I did not perform well at my job and was let go. A few years later, she returned that money to me (not including interest.. and at the time, U.S. banks were paying very high interest), but I couldn’t buy a home with that money.. it was too little at the time and I no longer had a full time, promising job (never to have it in the future)-

– but my point is, even that money that meant something I wanted to do for myself.. for the first time.. even that money meant nothing to her, she returned it not because I asked (I didn’t ask for it, didn’t mention  it, asked her to use it and to not return it to me), but because.. well, she said it is too little.

I lost my highest functional point in life for.. nothing. She never relieved me from the guilt she imposed on me, it was always: I OWED her money.. but I was not able to pay her that money.. didn’t have enough. When I visited her afterwards, I always calculated how much money I need to give her so that during that particular visit I do not increase my debt.

“And I am not wanting this as a repayment of any kind of debt. I don’t feel indebted to you because you make me feel good, no. Because, it just feel very good already to feel this love for you and be able to express it! I feel so glad to be talking with you. I’ve been receiving so much just by communicating with someone as wise, well-intentioned and lovely as you. I wouldn’t ask for more, I’ve been feeling good and happy plenty with you, from the very moment we started to talk you were enough. I was already grateful. I started talking with you with no expectations, so of course our connection brought me so much more than I would ever had asked for. Our communication has been good and positive I could only feel, very easily and very quickly, so much strong feelings about you. It is a gift just as it is now and as it has been. And because of that I want to cherish it so much. I won’t tell it enough, or too much, because it feels so great to tell my true feelings and not repressing them”-

– I read all of the above after I wrote to you about my DEBT to my mother, how I was never able to pay it. As I told you about it I felt badly, but when I read your paragraph above, I felt better.. oh, how different my life would have been if my mother felt this way about me.. if I saw love in her eyes instead of DEBT! YOU OWE ME!!! If only she told me these things… all the unnecessary pain I suffered wouldn’t have taken place.

“I’ve been receiving so much just by communicating with someone as wise, well-intentioned and lovely as you“- SHE said to me: you’ve been taking and taking and taking from me, look at my hands, see how hard I work scrubbing toilets, my hands are bleeding, swollen, so to give you the best food, clothes, toys, school supplies.. and what am I getting back? Nothing, a “one big zero” of a daughter… etc. And she daydreamed about living in luxury in a big house. I figured I must make it happen for her, it had to be the luxury shown on TV, in the rich-and-famous shows, nothing less will do.

I don’t suffer from this guilt anymore, not for years.. the longest time, but I suffered from it for decades, and intensely, daily.. the guilt and sense of indebtedness to her was EXCRUCIATING.

“It’s alright, I’ve got an appointment this week“- good to read this, please take good care of your health

“I’m angry at your mother. How can a woman who hurt you so bad could consider she gave you anything worthy of repayment/gratefulness… The only thing she deserved was you anger and you abandoning her to her fate“- I wish I stopped contact with her when I first left to the U.S., at 24 years old!!! (I would have sent her money so that she could no longer work and live comfortably-I just wouldn’t have had any direct contact with her.. never hear her voice, never see her face, never send her messages/ letters, never receive any, etc.)

“This morning I’m writing to you because I want to process some things. First I’ll start by telling my friend has been very nice. I was given a room alone, I have time and space along (I didn’t even have ask), she’s very welcoming and calm…  I have no idea what is a good amount of small talk or positive enough interactions to have but I trust het to not resent me or keeping tabs on such small things. I only worry about it due to my social anxiety and my desire to make sure people are comfortable and happy.. I’m never entirely sure how to act. Around people… I’m just absolutely awkward and unsure. There’s a lot of progress to be made on my part!”-

-I hope you told her the above, clearly and as simply as possible, so she knows. You can tell her that if she gives you feedback on the things you are not sure about, that will help you greatly. Ask her if it’s okay with her if you ask her for such feedback, for example, asking her: did I talk too little or too much just now? How did you feel when I said X to you? How do you feel if I go to my room now, will you feel disappointed, etc. (I wouldn’t ask her too  many of these questions at a short amount of time, of course, but space them out). The more honest feedback you get, the more comfortable- over time- you are likely to be.

“I’m going to take the opportunity to interact with her since she’s done with her morning routine and invited me to do something with her if I wanted“- she sounds perfect for honest feedback. I hope you visit her more often!

anita