Dear Candice88,

it’s hard to be creative and make music when there’s someone else in the apartment with me.

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

The only thing where I can understand him is that he wants to make music (because that’s his job and he likes it), and that he needs a private space (a garage) to do it. And perhaps also that he works best in the night because that’s when his inspiration comes. If he is a musician, these are usually the conditions, and I guess you can’t expect him to work 9-5 and then be home for the evening.

However, being a musician doesn’t justify his other unreliable and immature behavior, such as promising and then forgetting to show up, or lying about things etc. And also, what is he doing in his car for hours? It seems like as a way to escape spending time with you…

I’ve had more than just the two 2 bad relationships, and I’m 28 now. I really don’t want to go back to being optimistic, hopeful, and open to another person, because I’ve always been let down pretty hard. Lately I’ve been softer and more vulnerable with M, like when we got together, because the therapist told me too in order to give M the opportunity to prove himself.

I guess you gave him the benefit of the doubt. You’ve been tolerating his neglectful and lousy behavior for quite a while, and tried to be as calm and understanding as possible (And it’s honestly maddening to be looking him in the eyes and tell him, for the twentieth time), with only occasional outbursts of anger. As a side note, the latter was the only thing that actually made him change his behavior – temporarily. But he’d do it reluctantly, resenting you and blaming you for not being tolerant enough.

Anyway, you’ve been practicing empathy and understanding (a softer approach), as a way of self-development. And you’ve been doing pretty well. But now it’s time to stop practicing it with M, because with M, empathy and patience only means he’s going to continue treating you badly. And no amount of explaining or pleading or therapy seems to help change his behavior. Only your anger helps for a short while, but it’s not an honest change but a way to appease you and reduce tensions.

Being more empathetic and patient is a good quality, but it won’t lead you anywhere with M. It will only lead to more abuse and neglect. That’s why you “end up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused”.

Soft, vulnerable, open, understanding, patient…. doesn’t work with M, it only hurts more. However, it is necessary for a healthy, committed intimate relationship. Those qualities are essential, but not to be practiced with people who don’t deserve it. With people whom you need to protect yourself from, rather than open up even more.

I have my lease for October, I’m moving out soon…but after that I’m not really expecting anything good to happen anymore. I’ve had many friends actually tell me “Maybe you have to come to terms that you’ll never find someone who deserves you.”. Which has been…hard to hear.

Those friends of yours aren’t helping you… maybe they don’t know what to say, and this is the easiest to say (besides “don’t worry, things will get better”). These 2 relationships, and those before them, helped you grow. You’ve grown a lot in the relationship with M. You’re only 28. You said you’d like to have children some day – well, you’ve got at least five more years to have your first child. You’ve got plenty of time to find a good guy. You aren’t late for anything and you’ve got plenty to hope for.

In one month you’ll be out of the flat and out of the toxic relationship with him. That’s when you can close the door to old and abusive, and open the door to new and healthy. As I said, you’re just beginning…