Dear Anita,

It is still going well with my friend, I try to spend some time with her and make it nice when it happens, without pushing it so we can both have our space. I still wasn’t able to ask her feedback but I’ll try when I’ll feel able to do it naturally without getting overwhelmed.

And I slept well enough, beside a weird pattern of waking up around 4 am and falling back asleep around 5-6 am. How is your sleep lately?

I wanted to share a reflexion I have been having this morning. You don’t have to reply to it unless you feel like it or have any thoughts to share about it. Here we go:

What does “a place where I belong” would mean?

-feeling comfortable/safe

– being in control of the environment, in ability to react when something happens requiring actions, not always having to ask an authorization to do something or to worry about someone else’s reaction

– even if I’m an introvert and can get by with a lot of alone time, I want to be in a place where interacting with some people I love regularly is a possibility (there are a few people I love though, realistically can’t be live nearby all of them as it is unlikely they end up living in the same area, and I might meet more people along the way which would expand possibilities)

– having access to things that makes me fulfilled and give me energy, and meaning.

Wanting to be near people I love is a big motivation factor, but my connections are very shrinking over time. There are two people I felt close enough that I would have wanted to keep in my life and leave nearby if I was able to move out :

– My former roommate at college who also was my friend in high school, we used to be quite close and we still care about each other but… She also have a lot of other connections and have a very busy life so I don’t think she’ll be that much in need to have me around.
– My little brother. We used to be close too before we left to study, we work well around together, and probably could still be in the future but for now he needs to figure out his own life and explore the world and himself. I hope he’ll build himself a life of his own and I’ll help him around if there’s anything help I can provide but for now there’s no stability or clear plans for either of us. Nothing to build on.

Of course, I want to build a life of my own, that wouldn’t depending on my meaningful relationships (I believe it would be more efficient for my resilience to not rely too much on those I love, stay close and supportive, but no codependency), but since all I know about me is I enjoy to create and starts projects, which is something that can be done anywhere, I could adapt to a lot of places and thus afford to chose a living place because of the people nearby instead of other factors such as personal preferences. The only thing I know I couldn’t do is too much traveling because I like to be settled down (moving around too much is not good for my anxiety, I like and need familiarity, it is heart breaking to grow attached to places and say good by, or not being able to attach because I know I won’t stay).

At the moment, there’s nowhere and no one I’m moving towards. I’m just trying to heal and be functional, and I’ve been relying on my passions as a motivation to get by until something crashed down a few month ago. Now I’m not pressuring myself with my passions projects and just try to focus on my healing, but it’s running on almost empty.

Our conversation and my connection with you the last few months has been sort of an anchor, helping me reconnect with my feelings.

I realize, in comparison, lately I’ve not been feeling as close with my high school roommate or my brother as I feeling before… No wonder even those connections are currently not motivating enough.

And my ability to think on this matter is stopping there at the moment. I’m alright, I think. I know everyone and everything is fluctuating and nothing is meant to last exactly under the same dynamic. We change as we grow. Scary at times but okay for me, as I am not in the best of place, or the best of me, I am not afraid to lose anything. I lost enough to be used to it and found out it wasn’t the most scary thing. I can be alright and enjoy what I have at the moment, whether it will last or not, and not be distressed too much knowing my connections have their high and their low.

Linarra