Hi TeaK,

Yes. I don’t feel I can be my complete self in front of others. So I feel I have to hide that part of me (making jokes and acting weird) from others.

I have something to add.

I remember I’ve had anxiety since the 5th grade (10 years old). Then in grade 7/8, I started “breaking out of my shell”. I remember making the new girl in my class my friend, and I was able to be myself around her. I gained so much more confidence with my new friend, and eventually, my friend group got really big and I was friends with people that accepted me and appreciated my goofy side that liked making jokes. So I wasn’t anxious at all with my friends, if I remember correctly, I would only feel anxious when I was by myself in class or in front of strangers.

But then I realized that sometimes my jokes would go overboard, and I would make insensitive jokes that I didn’t mean and hurt people’s feelings. This made me feel soooooo bad. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings but my jokes hurt them. I hated that so much that I slowly became cautious of what I was saying, and then eventually developed so much anxiety thinking about what I’m saying and if I should say it if it’s funny or not, etc. I just stopped making jokes and I feel that part of my personality died.

In high school, I had lots of social anxiety. I only had one or two friends from elementary school (the new girl that I was friends with), I considered her to be my best friend. I felt comfortable being myself around her and my friends but was so afraid to talk to other people and make new friends. Eventually, my best friend left me to be with her new friends and that made me feel so alone. I didn’t have lots of friends in high school, I made 2 friends in grades 10-11 but I didn’t always hang out with them during lunch. And the reason we became friends was that they took the initiative to come up to me and start a conversation, which I would continue. I don’t consider these 2 friends to be my close friends, because I can’t fully act like myself around them, which is fine, I still love them and care about them but I was a little bit shy with them.

Then in grade 11-12 my ex-boyfriend and I met up coincidentally so then we became friends. He was one of the only friends that I could feel myself with. I felt comfortable with him and could act like myself fully, so my silly side came out and it was also reciprocated. We were best friends.

Also, just to mention I had another best friend but she went to another school, so we didn’t hang out much, but we talk every day! I can feel myself around her, but since we don’t have the same sense of humor I can’t joke around with her much but I don’t mind at all, I love her lots.

Lately, I’ve been feeling super anxious because I started school and I really want to make close friends. I went to a social event at school, and I talked to so many people! Before I went, I took deep breaths to calm my body down. Whenever I had to speak to someone, I could feel my heart racing, so I took some time to acknowledge my body reaction but went against it anyway. I spoke to people despite the anxiety in my body, and it felt great! I felt like I was being myself around these people because I was having nice conversations with them. It was with a small group of people so that’s why I didn’t feel super anxious.

Now when I started school, I was too afraid to talk to people. I felt so anxious and awkward. Especially because there are just so many people and the lecture halls are huge.

I really want to make close friends that understand me and appreciate me. I feel that’s why I keep thinking about my ex because the relationship and bond we had was so unique, and I really enjoyed it. I’m looking to make bonds with people but it’s so hard when I get anxious. On top of that, I’m a little shy so I can’t tell if I want to speak to someone or if I’m afraid of messing up (being anxious).

I believe that is the reason I feel unappreciated and craving appreciation from my ex.

Thank you TeaK for responding I gain a lot of clarity after writing down my thoughts and feelings, it’s hard sometimes figuring out the problem on your own and I appreciate talking to people about it.