Dear canary,

you are welcome, and I am glad you gained clarity by writing down your thoughts and feelings and understanding yourself better.

I believe that one of the key moments that stopped you from expressing yourself fully was when you sometimes went overboard with your jokes and hurt people. You didn’t mean to hurt them, you probably felt good and appreciated as a joke-maker, maybe you thought that this is why people like being around you. And so you “stepped it up” a notch,  you made your jokes even “juicier”. And then they became a little insensitive and some people ended up being hurt. It made you feel really bad and guilty, and you shut down as a result:

Then in grade 7/8, I started “breaking out of my shell”. I remember making the new girl in my class my friend, and I was able to be myself around her. I gained so much more confidence with my new friend, and eventually, my friend group got really big and I was friends with people that accepted me and appreciated my goofy side that liked making jokes. So I wasn’t anxious at all with my friends, if I remember correctly, I would only feel anxious when I was by myself in class or in front of strangers.

But then I realized that sometimes my jokes would go overboard, and I would make insensitive jokes that I didn’t mean and hurt people’s feelings. This made me feel soooooo bad. I never wanted to hurt people’s feelings but my jokes hurt them. I hated that so much that I slowly became cautious of what I was saying, and then eventually developed so much anxiety thinking about what I’m saying and if I should say it if it’s funny or not, etc. I just stopped making jokes and I feel that part of my personality died.

So it’s like you opened up, felt loved and appreciated, and then bam – you suddenly experienced rejection. And this hurt you tremendously and caused you to shut down.

I think it would help if you could forgive yourself for unintentionally making those insensitive jokes and hurting people. You don’t need to punish yourself and keep this funny part of yourself hidden forever. Because it’s an important part of who you are, and there is nothing wrong with it.

You’d just need to know the difference between a harmless and a hurtful joke. Can you tell a difference now? Do you understand why those jokes were insensitive? If you do, you can set the intention to never hurt people again with your jokes, and to not go overboard. But you can still share that part of your personality – a funny, goofy part, who cheers people up and makes them laugh and have fun.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.