Dear Candice88,

I am really sorry that things took a turn for worse with M. But to be honest, it was to be expected, since M’s habits and lifestyle could easily allow him to keep using. This is what you wrote just recently:

I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone,

But now when he doesn’t come to bed because he’s in his car on his phone for hours, or making music for hours, or in his garage until sunrise (all times he told me he’d come to bed “soon”), or late for anything, it just ends up hurting more since I’ve been forcing myself to be less calloused.

He was spending nights away from home, and hours and hours in his car, away from you. That’s very suspicious. Have you ever checked on him when he was in his car btw?

You said a couple of times that he lies often:

I didn’t believe him (he lies often)

he’s lied so much about his drug abuse

You knew about his propensity to lie, but you wanted to believe that this time, he’s not lying – even if everything suggested that he was. You wanted to believe that this time it would be different, and that he’d finally give you the love you craved.

That’s your inner child, Candice. The child hopes against all hope that the parent will finally change and give them the love they long for. You’ve stopped hoping to get love from your mother, instead you’re hoping to get it from your boyfriends. And so far, you’ve been attracted to people who are unlikely to be able to give you proper love. You’ve been attracted to cheaters and addicts. You wanted to “save” M, so he can finally love you. It’s the same dynamic as with your mother.

Don’t beat yourself up for this, Candice, but just be aware of it. Your childhood wound is what makes you attracted to these  lousy men who are unable to love you. You are hoping and trying, believing their lies, believing it’s your fault that they can’t love you…  because that’s what the little girl in you believes: that it’s her fault that her mother doesn’t love her. That she isn’t worthy enough, that she is trash.

I hate myself for still loving him. I feel like trash for still having feelings for someone who treated me like trash.

Let’s rephrase this: The little girl in you still has the need to be loved, and she is willing to do anything to get love from someone who reminds her of her mother. Don’t blame her for loving him, rather – heal her. Instead of helping this unworthy men “heal”, you’d need heal her first.

He is 10 minutes away from me. I don’t trust that I will be strong enough to stay away, as everyone keeps telling me to do.

The little girl most probably won’t be strong enough. That’s why you, the adult Candice, should help her and reassure her. You’d need to give her love, so that she isn’t craving it from unworthy men.

How does this sound to you?

I just want to add – good that you’re getting tested for STD.

And I am also glad your feelings for S have mostly resolved, and that you’ve realized you don’t need him in your life.