Dear Candice88,

Except 3/4 of my boyfriends presented as stable, put together, healed. I was never attracted to someone who needed to be fixed, yet they eventually showed themselves as people who don’t know themselves. Or know how to lie and what people want to hear. I always felt fooled when their toxicity reared up after a slow reveal.

Right. Your initial attraction might have been to men that seemed put together and healed. But when you realized they are not, you still stayed with them. At least that’s what happened with M. He was treating you poorly, he’s been promising things and never kept his word, he told you he quit using in April but his behavior hardly changed. And yet, you kept hoping that he isn’t lying, that he’d change eventually. And even now, when you’ve found out he is still using, you believed that perhaps there is a way to get together again, once he gets sober:

Before I learned about the cheating, I felt more balanced – that if he gets sober long term maybe we can try again if I feel like it could work.

You wanted desperately to be with him, even though you knew what he was like. You’d rather not see the warning signs (even when they were out in plain sight) than accept that this guy will never be able to truly love you and respect you, and that he doesn’t deserve your love. Do you see that?

It’s not about the initial attraction, it’s about the inability to let go of a toxic person when their toxicity becomes obvious. This inability to let go of toxic love is due to the little girl unable to let go of her need for her mother. It’s very natural that the girl wouldn’t want to let go, because staying attached is a survival need. This same need was active with M: the little girl would do anything to stay attached (i.e. save the relationship). She’d even look away and pretend she doesn’t see things. And she’d convince herself that it’s her fault that he can’t love her properly. She wasn’t willing to let go of him, even if he was treating you like trash.

So the real challenge is not in the beginning of the relationship, but when the troubles start (and the lies and manipulations) – what do you do then? Do you try saving the relationship at all costs, allowing yourself to be manipulated and disrespected, or you say – farewell, I am not tolerating this, I deserve better. And you step away, without looking back.