Dear canary,

My father did send me that message. In fact, the main reason I got bullied was for my body & facial hair. My dad told me that having facial hair is normal, that I should deal with the comments and he believed that not allowing me to remove the facial hair would make me stronger as I got older.

What did your mother say? Did she agree with your father? It’s interesting that on one hand, you were allowed to skip school (your mother allowed it, perhaps without even telling your father about it?), and then you weren’t allowed to remove your facial hair because that will “make you stronger”. Could it be that your mother was too permissive, but not really able to help you deal with your fears, while your father was strict and lacked empathy?

If your father had the last word in a rather female problem of removing facial/body hair, does that mean that your mother didn’t really have a say in your home? And she “protected” you by allowing you to skip school in secret? If your father knew about it, he would have forced you to go to school, without showing much understanding for your anxiety?

I think the outbursts were a mix of things. Unrelated to the bullying, but the bullying was the source of my outburst. For example, I was insecure and did not want to take pictures with friends, or want to be filmed, because the bullying contributed to my insecurity. When my friends would do that without realizing it, I would react and be upset, that they posted a video or picture of me without my knowledge.

Right. Those outbursts were the result of bullying – you didn’t want to appear in common photos or videos, because you felt so insecure about yourself. A part of your insecurity and frustration is that you weren’t allowed to remove your facial hair, due to your strict father. You were forced to “toughen up” in a situation where a more permissive attitude (allowing you to remove the unwanted hair) might have been a better approach. At the same time, you weren’t taught how to become emotionally less reactive and “toughen up” in a healthy sense, by developing coping skills for your fears and anxiety, or by dealing with the bullies.

It seems to me you got poor parenting both from your mother, who was permissive but powerless, and your father, who was strict and lacking empathy. Would you say that this is true?

I was taught that being sensitive and emotional was bad and weird. I tried so hard to get rid of that part of me, but when I knew I couldn’t I learned to accept it. I just don’t feel appreciated for being myself.

Being emotional and sensitive isn’t bad – it’s necessary for empathy. However, being overly emotional and unable to control our emotional reactions isn’t the best. As I already said, it seems to me you weren’t taught how to deal with your fears and anxiety, and then you were criticized for being so emotionally reactive. You were criticized for something that wasn’t your fault.

You don’t need to get rid of your emotional, loving, gentle side, who gets immersed in the beauty of nature. What you need though is better emotional regulation, which will allow you not to be so insecure and sensitive to people’s reactions. And you need to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You just didn’t get the proper upbringing and proper tools….  but you are making up for it now.