Hi TeaK,

I don’t have many people to talk to that understand anxiety. It’s hard to explain to my family what anxiety is and how it affects me so much. My family sees me struggling, doesn’t know what to do, so they do what they think is right. The way they give me advice and try to support me is clear that they don’t understand the severity of it. I explained to them just right now, that it’s not really school that I’m struggling with but my mental health, which affects my performance at school.

My struggles with anxiety: It’s just difficult to show up to class, feeling anxious, and unable to focus on the lecture. Then finding a place to eat, navigating through the huge crowds, I feel afraid. I still do it though, but somedays when I have so much piled up I break down. Like what happened last week. I break down because I had a lot of stress from the huge workload from school because I was behind + anxiety, become depressed for a few days, then when I’m feeling better I’m forced to face all the work that I missed. Piles and piles of work. My sister told me she went through the same thing, but she was physically ill and became so behind in class. She just barely passed her exams. So she is helpful when she is telling me how to catch up with school work and making a plan.

But the thing is, I’m afraid this won’t just happen one time. I’m afraid that I will have episodes where I won’t be able to get work done, be behind, and the cycle will continue. This is scary because this is exactly what I was going through in high school, the feeling is so familiar. I would go to school, get good grades, have an episode, miss school for weeks, and then when I go back again I’m faced with so much work. That triggered another episode, it was like a neverending cycle. The thing is, it is really disheartening when you think you’re doing good and then suddenly hit with so much.

I know that I can get through my school year, it’s just that when I’m so behind, it takes so long to catch up and I’ll probably never be fully caught up in work, and it’s hard to pass. Because I will get episodes and they will be random.

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Yes, I feel less of a human because of my anxiety. Because I see everyone, like my peers and family not feeling the same anxiety I feel. So it’s hard for me to connect with them and talk about my anxiety. Sure they can take time to understand, but they won’t ever really fully understand it. And I feel I’m looking for that connection because it makes me feel less alone. I browse anxiety forums and social media pages, especially the social media pages that talk about the harsh side of anxiety + give you ways to deal with it, and I feel less alone. But I don’t have anyone to talk to specifically about this. So that’s why I don’t feel normal sometimes, especially in public when I feel an episode coming. I micro analyze everyone’s behaviour and they all seem so nonchalant, but I’m the only one in the room bouncing my legs, feeling uncomfortable and changing positions, so I feel like everyone is watching me, even though I know no one is. I know people that struggle with anxiety suffer in silence, so you can’t tell someone has anxiety just by their behaviour. I’m just looking for connection. I find lots of people on social media talking about their struggles with anxiety, it’s just that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this issue so it makes me feel alone and makes it harder for me to deal with it. I gain lots of peace and comfort when I post on this forum though, so I thank everyone for taking time out of their day to listen to what I have to say and provide me with meaningful replies.

In your childhood, maybe your mother had a similar attitude: “when you cry, I cry”? She lived in fear of your father and it was probably a burden for her to deal with your fears alone. And she didn’t know how to. Whereas your father’s attitude was something like: “if you cry and show weakness, you’re weak, you’re defective, and I’ll be very disappointed in you”. Would you agree?

I agree but not fully. I believe my father never had that attitude of emotions = bad, but that’s what he showed us. All he did was tell me to deal with the negative comments I would receive from people. But I don’t believe he had that attitude that showing emotions means you’re weak, he just told me not to tell other people my personal problems and emotions, but I would do it anyway. This is because he told me that I can’t trust anyone (same with my mother, she told me that as well), that I shouldn’t share personal information with others except my family. I’m not sure if that relates to what you’ve said.

You didn’t reply to my previous post, but it seems to me your father had quite a damaging effect on your self-esteem. And in combination with your mother’s fear of him, you were mostly left alone to struggle with your fears, which then grew bigger and bigger, leading to anxiety.

Yes, I agree. I think it’s quite ironic because although he damaged my self-esteem a lot, he’s the one that’s been bringing it up recently. Because I placed a lot of importance on my fathers’ words and took everything he said to heart, he would constantly criticize me about little things that eventually became my insecurities. For example, he’d comment on my weight (I was very skinny), he’d comment on my height, my posture (I slouch), and little things like that. It made me insecure. But after a few years, I’m not sure how long, he eventually stopped and now whenever he comments he says the exact opposite of what he said before. For example, he knows how I lack confidence and he tells me that I’ve been acting confident lately and that he’s glad I am. He tells me that I’m strong, I’m able to get through anything, he tells me not to worry (especially about school), he is literally telling me the opposite of everything he told me in my childhood.

Basically, in my childhood he would tell me to focus solely on my studies, not talk to people about my personal issues (he even told me not to make friends), he would criticize me… and he did that because that was his way of raising me. He wanted me to grow up to be strong, so he would tell me things that he wished he was told as a child (focusing on studies, appearing confident, etc). But it only did the opposite, I grew up insecure!

So now when he understood the effect it had on me, he’s being honest with me and trying to keep my confidence up. I believe this happened after my hospital visit around 2 or 3 years ago. He’s been acting kinder to me, he tells me not to worry about school whenever I feel stressed.

It seems to me you are still living with that same wound of 1) feeling unsupported and 2) feeling “damaged” due to your anxiety.

Yes. I don’t feel supported sometimes. I talk to my family about it and they do boost my confidence and support me but I’m looking for someone to understand my anxiety because that’s the main thing I’m dealing with.

I don’t know if I would use the word “damaged”, but I just feel excluded from everyone because my peers and family do not understand my anxiety, only people online.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by canary.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by canary.