Hi guys! I am sorry for replying with that much delay while you always take time to reply quickly.. I am taken in the middle of some exams lately and I had to start preparing a draft for a potential future master thesis, which is very challenging but also at the same time extremely interesting! On a very good note, I am selected as finalist for a scientific writing contest, which means that I will probably get another article officially published soon amongst the prices offered. I have the public presentation next week and if I am correct, some scientists former Oxford students will be there, I am really looking forwards to meeting and talking to them.

I also got time to think about what you both wrote, me seeking for love and approval from one of my parents. I am only child, raised by a single mom. She is extremely perfectionist, never happy with what I did because it was never enough. I am from a wealthy environment. All my current successes, she sees that as a very easy thing, that everybody could do, which she doesn’t understand, yet she allows herself the right to dismiss it. Buuut, like I said, I went for two years in therapy. The relationship with my mother was the key-point. I was extremely lucky to get the therapist I got. If I took the path I am on nowadays, it is mostly thanks to her. I made peace, not with my mother, but with myself. I accepted the fact that, regardless what I do, with whom I choose to be with, where I am, she will always try to find something to criticize, because you know, she is kind of control-freak. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I am successful, feeling good in my skin, she can talk, I am not listening anymore. I don’t have time for it.

I told her a few months ago that her insecurities weren’t mine, that I wasn’t responsible for the way she physically and mentally feel. If she thought she wasn’t good enough, well, it wasn’t my job to make her feel better. So in any way, she didn’t have the right to make me feel like a trash just because she felt like a trash.

There is something else I was thinking. My mother never dated someone until I was 16, or at least, she never introduced nor talked about a potential partner she could have had. Because she didn’t want for me to see her with different partners in order for me, when I was a kid, not to have a biased vision of what relationships and love should be in when I grew up, a “healthy” vision of relationship let’s say. This is something I am really thankful honestly. She started dating my current step-father 10 years ago. She wanted to build the image of the possibility of a constant and strong relationship with someone. Obviously, there are many things which aren’t good in this relation but that’s another long debate, I am too old to be affected by it anymore anyway.

When it comes to me, I really enjoy tending of the people I love, friends, family, lover. I do it naturally, there is no second-thoughts for every small attentions I can have towards someone. It is just what it is. So considering that I actually have a vision of long-term relationship brought by my mother, combined with this aspect of my personality, it may explain why I was like that with him. Because you know, when you truly love someone, you’re supposed to do whatever it takes to fix everything which could be fixed before throwing away, right? We can’t be at our ups all the time and if your feelings for the person are real and as strong as you say they are, then you will stay by your partner’s sides for the better and the worst. Well, at least this is how I consider things.

Now when it comes to my feelings for him, all I stated before was true but it was 6/7 months ago. Everything is changing for those past months, I am more and more exhausted by his behavior. Maybe it’s just the end, I don’t know but for now I think I simply don’t have the time nor the energy to focus on it.