Dear Anita,

Thank you so much. It’s clear I appear to be following patterns in my life with the women I care about.

Absolutely, and my apologies if I am not as good at asking the right questions as you are. I will try my best.

(1) It was my father, having an affair when we were so young, and leaving my mother to raise us alone initially. It was always made clear to use as children what my dad had done (it was hard to hide it really). She never spoke badly of my father though, but was honest about how much it hurt. I felt the need to protect her from my fathers hurt (2) In a similar way to your situation, she went back to school, worked many hours and raised myself and my brother with little help from anyone else, though my father did return to our lives when I was around 3 years old (part time). But similar to me, she feels emotions deeply, and struggles to hide these things, so although I saw her as strong in one sense, she would show us such love and compassion, that I felt such empathy for her real struggles, and wanted to protect her from the tough world. (3) I feel my mother was both happy and unhappy at the same time, although she doesn’t say it now, I think she always wanted my dad to stay, to be the family she wanted and to raise me and my brother together, this sadness always felt close to home for me. But on the other hand, I could see how much my brother and I made her happy, so I wanted to re-inforce that side of things, and not let her down.

With your mother, was it (and is it still) difficult to hear these things, that you contributed to the hurt she felt? Did you feel resentment for trying your best as a daughter and only hearing what a horrible life your mother had? Do you feel that you appreciated her? Although you couldn’t give her the life of luxury she wanted, or was it hard to appreciate her with how she felt towards you?

Dave