Dear aphroitte1,

After all I gave up yesterday because I saw his true colors and I knew that something was very fishy. I don’t feel that it would be possible to stay friends after this. Maybe if we broke it off months ago yes, but now it seems like I saw all the layers that he had been hiding.

Good decision! I am glad you broke up with him (without agreeing to remain friends) because he is just continuing with his excuses.

he openly told me that his ex is still an option in the future because everything would be easier (they can be together without hurting someone else). But that freaks me out because now he seems very selfish : in order not to hurt two friends he will hurt me

Yes, it shows that he doesn’t truly care about you. As I said earlier, I don’t think he is worried about hurting those two people, but rather, he is worried about his reputation – to be viewed as someone who tends to date people in secret. Because, following his logic, one could say that he didn’t want to hurt his best friend (he felt some loyalty towards him), and that’s why he dated you in secret. So I can understand his discomfort about the situation, although if he truly loved you, it could have been solved, it wouldn’t be the first time that people date their best friends’ exes. BUT, how can he explain the fact that he dated his ex in secret? What was the reason for keeping that a secret? Was she another friend’s ex, so that too was a “taboo”?

As for your previous ex coming into the picture and you started feeling stressed when he stopped texting you  – it could be related to abandonment anxiety. Do you feel bad alone and can’t really stay single for a long time? If you need to be in a relationship to feel safe, or to feel loved, or to feel worthy, those could all be the reasons why you’re reacting like this. The thought of being alone causes you stress and anxiety, which probably causes the stomach acid problem.

Anyways I am scared and I don’t like to be like this. Attached to people. I want to be okay to accept and let people go and not to feel this level od anxiety. I really want to be independent.

I hear you. It’s not pleasant to be so attached to people, I know from experience. But I can tell you right off the bat that your anxiety is most probably related to your childhood and the relationship you had with your parents or care-takers. If you felt unsafe or unappreciated in that relationship, if you craved love but never truly received it – that would have influenced your present-day relationships as well. If you’d like to share some more about your adult relationship patterns, or about your childhood, please do, and I’ll try to help.