Hi,

I decided I needed to get myself off of him. At the same time, I got a not so clever idea in my head that if I got pregnant and had a baby instead I would feel a whole lot better and it would give me a new purpose since at the time I felt like my life was spiralling out of control. I could hardly go through the day without crying at this point. I was utterly miserable.

– My sister had just passed. And I felt like my family was shrinking. I kept thinking if I had a baby that would help all of us heal.

– I started a new position at work and decided against this idea. I however didn’t take any measures to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. Mistake number 1

So early this year January I finally fell pregnant. I was very excited and I felt like all my plans where coming to fruition.  I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself. That was my plan to begin with anyway. So after much deliberation I finally got around to telling Christopher that I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t expect him to be ecstatic.

This happened two years down the line. after I had changed my mind about the baby. I was not actively trying to get pregnant. but at the same time, I didn’t take any precautions against it. to be honest we had been at it for two years and I didn’t get pregnant. I took nature for granted.

I had made up my mind I was going to do this all by myself

After I found out I was pregnant I had decided I wouldn’t tell him about it and would just disappear from his life. that was my selfish plan. My friend convinced me otherwise. so I told him.

His reaction didn’t surprise me at all and I thought I was ready for it.

it’s true I didn’t expect him to be happy just like I was taken aback too. this happened at a time when I was feeling confident enough to walk away from him.

The moment he realized I had less and less to offer him he pulled back, because things were not going so well for me at the moment. It felt like every problem on earth was targeting me. I felt lost and confused and needed him more than before. This is not what he bargained for and so he did everything to avoid me. I did notice this and it was terribly heart breaking. I chose to ignore. I thought if I was patient with him he would come around. Didn’t realize I was dealing with a narcissistic person.

My decision to walk off before I found out I was pregnant was informed by this realization. At the same time, I felt so attached to him. I was conflicted even more.

With all this said, I did believe he was my friend and I felt most betrayed not by his unhappiness, but by him treating me like a common stranger. we were friends, so I thought at least. I later found out otherwise.

So, his reaction was expected, and you too expected it. But still, when he asked you 2 weeks later who you would say is responsible for your pregnancy, if people asked you – you were shattered (It threw me completely off guard I was shell shocked to be honest.  This is someone I believed was my friend. How could he ask me something like that?)

What threw me off was him trying to brush off his part in this mess. He was the only person I was sleeping with so how could he ask me that? Neither one of us took any precautions against pregnancy. We had both been very careless. I was honest about not being on birth control from the onset he knew. That’s what threw me off. We made this bed, but he left me to lie in it alone. That sucks.

This whole situation has been a series of terribly bad decisions and a fest of irresponsibility on both sides. But when Shit hit the fan I dealt with it. He chose to run.

Yes, I am not innocent in the situation, but I accepted my responsibility in creating the situation and dealt with it. I didn’t run or lump it on him. I could have made his life a living hell if I chose to, but I didn’t.

I do agree with you 100% that I have to heal my inner child. I am human and I was scared and vulnerable yes. I needed comfort. Desperate for his love, I don’t know. Desperate for comfort? Yes. Absolutely.

Elizabeth