Dear Elizabeth,

I have been reading over all the posts I made over the past month or so. and I have seen a trend. as sad as it sounds, I think I have been trying to fix my first relationship because all four men I have dated in my life have been a replica of him. my first ghost.

Usually when there is a pattern in our relationships, it’s not that the first guy traumatized us (although it can be pretty significant too), but it goes even further back, to our childhood. It’s the emotional wounds from our childhood and the unmet emotional needs that drive us to try to satisfy them in adulthood. And we try to get it from people who remind us of our parents. Anita talked about it already.

I think you’ve described the main problem here:

Growing up, I noticed that my parents had very little regard for my opinion and even less interest in getting to learn about who exactly I was and my thoughts. What made it worse is my parents were the type who would use your pain to manipulate you into submitting into acting in a certain way or to them. I may have been young, but I had a strong head on my shoulders. Had my parents taken time to get to know me, they would have realised that I was capable of taking care of myself. Being a precocious child, my body developed much faster than most. and so from a young age, I started being propositioned by men old enough to be my father. Which is disgusting if I may add.

I found out pretty early in life how frustrating it is to try and get someone to notice your intellect when their focus is on your body. That offended me so much so that I felt like I needed to fix these disgusting men. And there lay my problem. I would give men who found me physically appealing a chance all in the hope that I would win them over with my genuineness and kindness into seeing me as much more than a sexual object. That they would see me as a person worth taking seriously and not some sexual object.

You were attracted to men who saw you only as a sexual object and didn’t care about your intelligence and your other values, such as your kindness and genuineness. And the reason why you were attracted to those superficial men is that you craved recognition from people who reminded you of your parents – this is how our emotional wounds work.

Your core wound seems to be one of not feeling valued for your intelligence and your true self, but being seen as a sexual object. The wound of unworthiness. In order to heal that wound, you’ve been trying to prove yourself to various undeserving men.

The real solution would be to give validation to that little girl who felt unseen and unworthy for who she really was. You, the adult Elizabeth, would need to be the parent to that little girl and tell her how brilliant and amazing she is, how proud of her you are, how worthy and special she is. This is what she needs to hear. That’s how you can liberate yourself from seeking to hear those same words from men….

How does this sound to you?

My whole post here acknowledges what you have said here. I have sought professional help. It’s a long road but please help me get there. I need a lot of help. I admit that.

Elizabeth