Dear Dave:

You are very welcome.

“she worked a lot so maybe there were elements of me wanting to see her more. I think I struggle to remember if my mother was upset, if she would withdraw from me, I think in reality, she was more likely to come to me for comfort, which might be where I get the feeling that I need to comfort and protect the care giving women in my life from… I still feel that urge now, to run away from being alone“-

– (1) It makes sense that the fact that your mother worked a lot, and you were therefore away from her a lot, alone- by itself  led to your ongoing anxiety when you are alone, (2) It also makes sense that a person who is upset is not in the mood to attend to the emotional needs of another person, and your mother was no different: when she was upset, she wasn’t available to comfort you. Instead, she came to you for comfort, (3) When she was upset and came to you for comfort, she was the Weak One (the one needing comfort) and she expected you to be the Strong One (the one providing comfort), but in reality, you were weak, you needed her comfort and you didn’t get it when she was upset.

“I never felt a lack of love from her, but I felt empathetic for her sorrows and hurt that she had suffered, and it made me anxious to not be around her“- you needed her comfort, that’s why you were anxious when she wasn’t around. And when she was around and upset, sorrowful and hurt- she wasn’t available to comfort you. It seems to me that you suffered from lack of comfort in these 3 situations: (1) when visiting your father, (2) when your mother worked and you were alone, and (3) when your mother was with you, but was too upset and sorrowful to comfort you.

“now I am dating..  I am struggling with self esteem issues… I am struggling to connect with people whom I find physically attractive. It is making me question my own ‘attractiveness’… It seems to trigger something really deep in me, which hurts“- given that whatever your physical characteristics, there are men out there with similar characteristics who feel attractive nonetheless, I am guessing that the something really deep in you that gets triggered when women you find attractive seem to not be attracted to you- is your deep hurt about not being enough for your father and not being enough for your mother: not enough to take away his anger and make him emotionally close and comforting, and not enough to make your mother present at home (not away for work), and not enough to make her happy, emotionally close and comforting.

As to your second post: “I imagine this made you feel so trapped and powerless?“- yes, terribly trapped and powerless. I escaped my trap through massive, extensive daydreaming/ fantasy life. In reality, I tried and failed to convince her that I had NO  INTENT WHATSOEVER to hurt her. Notice I spontaneously typed using big print.. it’s still the frustration of not being believed!

“Do you bring this feeling into your relationships as an adult?“- for the longest time, every time I did something innocently, something small like not doing a good job sweeping the floor, a voice in me accused me, saying: you did it on purpose, you are trying to hurt (someone)! and I had to .. convince myself: no, I didn’t intend to not do a thorough job, it wasn’t on purpose! Every time a person seemed upset, a voice in me accused me: you hurt him, you hurt him  on purpose, you said something wrong on purpose.. you did something wrong or failed to do something.. poor him.. evil you!!!

“Do you find maybe you have overcompensated in areas of your life so as not to seem like you aren’t doing enough, or supporting those close to you now?“- I gave large amounts of my money away countless times so to compensate people for my wrong doing, real and alleged (alleged by my internal accuser= my mother’s voice)

“Do you feel this confusion has carried forward..“- I didn’t quite understand this question. If I didn’t already answer it here, you are welcome to restate it.

“Does this make it difficult for you now to appreciate gifts and shows of self-sacrifice from others?“- when my mother accused me of intending to hurt her and then going about it in a planned way over a long period of time (she fits a Paranoid Personality Disorder, in my understanding), she also went on and on about all the material goods she gave me, how hard she worked to buy me those things.. on and on.. and on. Therefore, I hated receiving any thing from her, felt guilty, didn’t want her to buy me anything, but she insisted.. As an adult and living on another continent, I went to great lengths, living in miserable physical circumstances, so to spend the least amount of money on myself, and give her the greatest amount of money so to pay her back the huge debt I felt that I owed her. Also, any material gifts from others.. I passed to her, whenever possible. P.S., I failed to free myself from my alleged debt to her.

“Do you feel this was the best decision for you? I understand from friends I know that sometimes, the relationship with a parent is unrepairable and, although we would like to reach agreements and understanding with people we care about, sometimes this just isn’t possible“- yes, it was and is the right decision for me. I wish I made that decision by the time I was 20, instead of wasting a lifetime trying to pay that debt, experiencing excruciating guilt, feeling like a very bad person.

As far as the idea of repairing my relationship with her , the idea makes me smile, knowing how impossible it is or would have been by the time I did end contact with her.. I can’t change another person, and I definitely cannot change a person (such as my mother) so drastically and massively. I was never able to make her see me, hear me, or value me. I tried so hard for decades to change her so that she will .. wake up to the possibility that I was there, that I was for her- not against her, that I was not worthless.. and I failed. I finally gave up the efforts, efforts that robbed me of a life worth living, for half a century or so.

anita