Dear Ryan,

you are welcome. I hope you do find some benefits at your new workplace, and indeed, more possibilities for socializing and doing the things you like, such as volunteering.

There are large parts of my childhood I simply do not remember. My sister and I will chat sometimes, and she will bring up something that happened when we were kids. Often I just do not remember the event at all.

We usually remember things that emotionally affected us in some way, be it negatively or positively, so I guess if you don’t remember too much, you weren’t emotionally invested in a lot of what was going on in your childhood. Perhaps because you were disassociating, i.e. not really feeling your emotions already then?

My mother was always a bit emotionally distant. She rarely spoke of her feelings or her emotions. We (my sister and I) did feel that things were often left undiscussed. What I mean is that if something we did upset her, we would talk about it but then that was it. She would speak her mind, and we could speak ours, but it never go too deep. (I know that I’m not articulating as best as I should be here.)

You mother didn’t show emotions to you – that could mean she didn’t show joy while she was around you, taking care of you, spending time with you, playing with you. If the mother is cold and detached and doesn’t show warmth and tenderness, that can be devastating for a child. It registers as rejection – and it could lead to you concluding you aren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with you. And you stopped reaching out, because your mother wasn’t responsive. It can easily lead to depression because when our parents aren’t happy that we exist, then nothing really makes sense, there’s nothing to look forward to, there’s nothing that can bring us joy…

That’s why games like peekaboo are so important, because the parent rejoices every time he/she “reappears”, they are so happy to see us. If your mother didn’t really play with you, this could have very well caused depression quite early on…

If that’s the problem, it can be resolved, by simulating being a baby and playing peekaboo, e.g. with a therapist open to such exercises. CBT won’t do the trick if the wounding happened early on, before the rational brain (neocortex) even started developing.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Tee.