Dear Quokka:

I re-read your original post more attentively this morning, and even though I still agree with the general advice I offered you yesterday, I want to address some specifics that you shared, and to which I paid more attention today:

“Things were already rocky before it happened. The pregnancy kind of brought out the worst in both of us as it made her mean and irritable and everything I did was wrong in her eyes… he told me she’s trying to stay busy so that she doesn’t fall into a slump she can’t get out of“-your relationship was rocky before the miscarriage, maybe even before the pregnancy. The pregnancy and miscarriage simply made the relationship worse/ more rocky. She then broke up with you and 9 days ago, she was thinking that “maybeee” she wants to get back with you.

If you get back together, there is no reason to expect the relationship to NOT be rocky again because it was before, and it is still the same people in the relationship: you and her. On her part, when she feels distressed, or depressed/ in a slump, she becomes irritable and she focuses on what you do wrong. If she took responsibility for her feelings and for her life situations, situations for which you are either not responsible, or not solely responsible, instead of blaming you-  a relationship can work out. But if her to-go place when upset is to blame you, a healthy, content relationship is not possible.

“Then with me, I became scared of what was happening and losing her so I started to drink more and more which upset her even more.. We spoke briefly roughly 9 days ago.. She asked me how the no drinking was doing“- If the two of you get back together, it’s possible (as it happens with many couples) that the to-go place whenever either one of you feels distressed would be Alcohol:  you by drinking it, she-  by talking about it and blaming you for it. Before getting back together, if it happens, couple counseling would be best: to focus not on alcohol, but on how the two of you can communicate effectively (with Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect, aka EAR), without her blaming you and without you resorting to drinking. In couple counseling the two of you can learn how to solve problems effectively and make the relationship work for you and for her, making it a Win-Win relationship.

anita