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my gf broke up with me after miscarriage

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  • #388924
    Quokka
    Participant

    Basically as the title states my gf broke up with me after she miscarried with our child. Things were already rocky before it happened. The pregnancy kind of brought out the worst in both of us as it made her mean and irritable and everything I did was wrong in her eyes. Then with me, I became scared of what was happening and losing her so I started to drink more and more which upset her even more. I was scared that I was going to lose my family before it even began.

    She miscarried and afterwards told me that she had to break up with me because being with me is too much hurt for her as it reminds her of the loss…

    We spoke briefly roughly 9 days ago. I reached out to check on her and her responses were good. She asked me how the no drinking was doing and I told the truth that I had been sober. She told me it’s still hard to talk to me but that eventually she would like for “things to not be this way between us” I asked her if she wanted to get together to which she just said “maybeee” and didn’t end up coming through. I left the door open with a last and final message just basically stating that I’m here in case she ever wants to revisit things.

    I know she is struggling because in that last conversation she told me she’s trying to stay busy so that she doesn’t fall into a slump she can’t get out of. I know that miscarriages are a very emotional time for women and for men too. and it really has been brutal for me emotionally. The break up and the loss of our unborn baby.

    any thoughts on how to navigate this? I miss her terribly.

    #388934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quokka:

    I was scared that I was going to lose my family before it even began… any thoughts on how to navigate this? I miss her terribly“- Don’t chase her, don’t beg her, don’t plead with her.  Tell her that you are sorry that things didn’t turn out well, tell her that you miss her terribly, tell her that you are willing to stay away from her if that’s what’s right for her, tell her that you wish her well. And after you tell her all that.. stay away from her. If she then reaches out to you, take it from there. one step at a time.

    When a person is conflicted about being with you, don’t try to persuade them,  instead: tell her your truth just as it is. and then- let her go, give up on making any difference in her mind and heart.

    anita

    #388937
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Quokka:

    I re-read your original post more attentively this morning, and even though I still agree with the general advice I offered you yesterday, I want to address some specifics that you shared, and to which I paid more attention today:

    Things were already rocky before it happened. The pregnancy kind of brought out the worst in both of us as it made her mean and irritable and everything I did was wrong in her eyes… he told me she’s trying to stay busy so that she doesn’t fall into a slump she can’t get out of“-your relationship was rocky before the miscarriage, maybe even before the pregnancy. The pregnancy and miscarriage simply made the relationship worse/ more rocky. She then broke up with you and 9 days ago, she was thinking that “maybeee” she wants to get back with you.

    If you get back together, there is no reason to expect the relationship to NOT be rocky again because it was before, and it is still the same people in the relationship: you and her. On her part, when she feels distressed, or depressed/ in a slump, she becomes irritable and she focuses on what you do wrong. If she took responsibility for her feelings and for her life situations, situations for which you are either not responsible, or not solely responsible, instead of blaming you-  a relationship can work out. But if her to-go place when upset is to blame you, a healthy, content relationship is not possible.

    Then with me, I became scared of what was happening and losing her so I started to drink more and more which upset her even more.. We spoke briefly roughly 9 days ago.. She asked me how the no drinking was doing“- If the two of you get back together, it’s possible (as it happens with many couples) that the to-go place whenever either one of you feels distressed would be Alcohol:  you by drinking it, she-  by talking about it and blaming you for it. Before getting back together, if it happens, couple counseling would be best: to focus not on alcohol, but on how the two of you can communicate effectively (with Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect, aka EAR), without her blaming you and without you resorting to drinking. In couple counseling the two of you can learn how to solve problems effectively and make the relationship work for you and for her, making it a Win-Win relationship.

    anita

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