Dear noname:

The theme of my post today is this:  a very difficult, very painful childhood does not end when a child reaches the age of 18, 28 or 78. It does not end when we get a job, rent or buy our own place, make little or lots of money, get married, etc. It does not end unless and until we go through a very long, intentional and difficult process of emotional and social healing. It is only with adequate healing that we get to live a life that feels different from how we felt as children. Only then, our childhood moves to the Past, freeing our Present for a life that feels different, a life of lasting new emotional and social experiences.

Since March 2017, you wrote about your life as a child: “Growing up my mom was very depressed and my dad had anger issues… trying to keep my mom happy and my dad calm was a very exhausting task… I took care of everyone’s feelings and acted as a mediator on many occasions… I was a very well-mannered child, excellent student, overachiever etc. I did this because I always thought if I could discipline myself, it would make my parents life easier…  I think back to all the times as a child I was alone with my pain, disappointed, scared, and angry”.

Since March 2017, you wrote about your life as an adult when in the company of your parents and sister (she & her refer to your mother): “she tends to start to tell me about her problems because my dad won’t listen…  life is suffocating me mainly due to my parents going through a divorce… lately I can talk no sense into her and she is in constant crisis… I do have much empathy for my parents less so for myself…. (December 2018:) I became depressed upon arriving at my sister’s house last week. Just being in my dad’s presence makes me anxious and angry, when I look at him, I see all of the pain he’s caused me and my family, yet I have to swallow that feeling… there’s no room for me and my feelings with my dad, just his…I have to edit everything and don’t get to be real because my mom is always around and in everybody’s business…  I’m much happier alone and away from their never-ending demands and favor asking… I very much pity both of my parents…  (May 2019:) I came home for Mother’s Day… my mom became furious…  threatening to drive the van into his house, and I grabbed her and wouldn’t let her get in the car, I told her to stop thinking about herself and think of me and my sister. She was very aggressive and rude towards me for trying to Deescalate the situation. I later yelled at her and stormed out of the house asking her to get her shit together, and take care herself so me and my sister don’t have to… Whenever I see or talk to my parents all of the trauma and disappointment are re-ignited in my spirit… I still experience my childhood attachment pains when triggered like it was happening now…(December 2019:) I’m at my sister’s for Christmas and my mom basically plays this ‘no one can ever understand or possibly be in more pain than I am’ thing whenever she talks and it annoys the hell out of me, I see it clearer every time I talk to her and I hesitate every time I say ‘I love you’ because I feel like I’m lying… Every time I think my parents are changing, they do something to let me down once again…(March 2020:) My mom was in the hospital yesterday with kidney stones but she’s okay now. I felt shame for not checking on her, but I’m also just very tired of communicating with her, the conversation is always criticism of what I’m doing to hurt her and never about the abundance of things I’ve done right”-

– It is as clear as day, to me, that as an adult, you have been experiencing your childhood whenever in the company of your parents, meaning your childhood has never been over when in their company. Because your sister lives with your mother and when you visit your sister, you also visit your mother, you are experiencing your childhood when in the company of your sister as well. In addition, your sister encourages your guilt in regard to your mother, pressuring you to spend even more time with your mother and father. At least, that’s what she did in March 2020: “My sister told me she believes I have mistreated my mother over the past few years…  She doesn’t empathize very well with me about keeping boundaries with my parents…  My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her”.

In addition to your childhood experience continuing just the same when you are in the company of your parents and sister, it also continues when you are not in their company (September 2017 and onward:) “Attempting to get close to a woman is seriously the scariest thing in my life, it brings up feelings of worthlessness, and quickly makes me feel hopeless with any amount of rejection….  I question whether I will actually ever get any reasonably long-term relief from depression. In a lot of ways, I feel broken, I have a strong desire to be with people, but when I’m in social situations I will withdraw pretty hard or just straight up leave to go be by myself… Life never ceases to be difficult… even when I have had a good week and can say that i feel happy, the pain is always lingering… no matter how much work I put in, no matter how mindful i am, no matter how motivated i am, I still get chronically depressed… I’m distrusting of most women in general… Posting here is helping but..  I feel like you’re going to abandon me eventually, the same dynamic plays out in my physical life as well… I am overly cautious of every move I make out of fear I might somehow offend someone, therefore I’m quiet and reserved to avoid any mistakes. This makes it near impossible to have fun with people most of the time… I feel.. like I couldn’t matter to another human being therefore I’m useless and lonely. That is the best description I have of how I feel when I’m having suicidal thoughts… I get angry with women who have treated me disrespectfully… I need affection, and love from another person more than I care to admit. I fake strong by isolating myself when really, I’m just avoiding the possibility of being hurt again. It hurts me to have hope though. It’s something to lose… my worst fear reactivated which is being alienated and completely alone. Paradoxically when this fear of being alone is activated I tend to isolate from people… I have a strange anxiety right now that if I leave my apartment something bad will happen”-

– Look at the last sentence: when you were growing up with your suicidal mother and angry father, of course you were afraid to leave the apartment because in your absence, something bad could happen. Altogether, your childhood is still happening in your 20s, same old, same old emotional and social experience alone and with most if not all other people.

More of the same-old, same-old childhood experience: “when I’m in relationships I do feel that anxiety and anger along with the love or attachment… I’m still stuck in the cycle of functioning for a few days and crashing into self-hatred, self-harm binges, existential crisis, and hopelessness… (November 22-23, 2021:) I still frequently feel worthless and unlovable, I still struggle with depression, I still struggle with impulsive behaviors, and the hardest one I still struggle in relationships…  the thing I want the most I fear most. Every time I have any romantic interest, I am painfully reminded of my childhood pain… I don’t know how to connect with people unless they need something from me”.

Here is your foggy vision in regard to what is as clear as day to me:

1) July 2017: “For me, it’s just hard sometimes to blame my parents…  because I know they did their best…  yes, they made a lot of mistakes, but I’m still grateful for them and wouldn’t have it any other way. If I never went through all that crap I would have never gotten into social work and counseling as a profession to help others in similar situations see what is possible. I’m hoping I’m going to be the one to break the cycle in my family”- what is clear to me is that (1) Your parents as parents are plenty blameworthy, (2) There has been nothing good about their parenting, therefore it can’t be their best. It is their worst, (3) I am sure you would have had your childhood some other way than it was- loving and calm, instead of depressing and utterly miserable, (4) You can’t break the cycle of Misery by staying in with your family; you have to step outside your family setting, in order to break the cycle.

2) July 2018- April 2021 (the boldface addition is mine): “I’m struggling to see the connection between my feeling of worthlessness and my mother’s (& father’s) ‘badness‘… I’m very uncomfortable with the idea of being in need of love or another person and I’m not sure why…My relationship with my parents doesn’t feel like the problem right now…I continue to find it odd that you focus a lot on my mother. I see my mom trying… I still struggle with awareness of how my relationship with my parents and mother in particular affects me now… I understand my mom did a poor job of loving me. Believe me when I say I’m not waiting up for it either. I don’t know if it’s really doing me any good giving my attention to that relationship anymore. Not saying she and my father didn’t have a profoundly negative impact on my self-worth, I just don’t know what to do with the information that my parents loved me conditionally anymore”.

In your recent November 22, 2021 post, you wrote: “30 is near and my mental health has no doubt improved, I don’t cut anymore, I don’t act on suicidal urges, I haven’t been hospitalized since 23, I am capable of tolerating more pain, I know what to do in crisis situations with myself and others. However, .. I still frequently feel worthless and unlovable, I still struggle with depression.. these patterns have stuck with me and are starting to feel impossible to break. I’m at a point where I feel as if a meaningful relationship with a woman hasn’t happened by now it probably isn’t going to… I’m wondering what the solution to this problem of feeling lovable is going to be? recently I have felt lovable and worthy at times, however when I’m triggered for whatever reason the grief and anger towards my parents return. I thought I had taken care of the grief associated with being neglected, but the more I learn about mental health and myself I realize my wounds are barely healed. I find myself crying for the childhood version of myself that was left alone as a baby while mother was passed out trying to kill herself… I am wondering if pain associated with my childhood should be ignored or felt… The approach I have been taking has been to try to step into the nurturing parent role within myself and console my wounded child”-

-My closing thoughts today, with a few more quotes: The nurturing parent role within yourself that you mentioned right above has to switch from having empathy for your parents and sister to=> having empathy for you, four the wounded child that you are. The reason why all your experiencing of pain and crying did not lead to healing is that all along you were primarily experiencing your parents’ and sister’s pain, and not your own. I think that it is their pain that is that lingering pain that you mentioned being always there, even on a good day. Your nurturing parent needs to be your nurturing parent, not your parents’ or sister’s.

In August 2018, you wrote: “I get angry with women who have treated me disrespectfully and it seems sometimes to be the only ones I choose”- you weren’t thinking about your mother when you wrote this sentence, but it very much applies to her: she has treated you disrespectfully all along, although you didn’t choose her, instead: you had the misfortune of being born to her. Still, you keep spending time with her, and every time you do, your hurt, fear and anger get re-activated and maintained as your dominant emotional experience, culminating in ongoing depression, social withdrawal and lack of motivation.

This emotional activation of hurt, fear and anger- expands to your interactions with women in the romantic-sexual context. You have to decide what to do regarding spending time with your mother and father, as your father also activates a very negative emotional experience in you, every time you spend time with him.

Every once in a while, your mother says something that makes you think that she has some insight into her past poor mothering of you, and that she regrets it. But not long after, she says and does plenty that shows that if she experienced any insight and regret, it was superficial and insincere and therefore, forgotten. You have to stop giving her credit for her insincere words and tears.

In June 2019, you wrote: “Anger is always my knee-jerk emotional reaction when a woman or even friend makes themselves unavailable to me. I then ask myself why am I angry?… The anger is definitely a relived childhood experience with my mother, not available when I need her”- anger is in the way between you and a secure-enough romantic-sexual relationship with a woman. Every time you spend time with your mother and/ or with your father, your Anger gets Stronger and as Solid as ever, and it expands to women in the romantic context.

Back to the nurturing inner-parent concept: he/ she has to have your well-being in mind as first priority, not your mother’s, not your father’s, and not your sister’s. What kind of nurturing is your wounded inner-child receiving when the inner-parent’s message is: cry, little noname, feel your pain.. but remember: your mother’s/ father’s/ sister’ pain is more important!

anita